My Birthday Wish List

Bicycle - pink would be nice. With silver. I'll find some desirable ones...
Watch - Fossil; Silver.
Pink RAZR phone - Thank God Verizon finally got one!
60GB iPod - the 20GB just doesn't have a large enough hard drive.
iBook - Or some other comparable Apple laptop.
UGG boots - camel or brown.
Northface apparel - systems or fleece.
Snowboard - pink, for sure...with silver...and stars.

I will be adding to this list as the day actually gets reasonably closer.

"Can we fake it, can we make believe?"

Yesterday was a very non-productive day. I spent a lot of money that I now have to make up for...meaning, I went from having $500 in my account to $100. Here's why. I bought 6 Guster tickets (Me, Josh, Cassidy, Ben, Matt, and Tye). I then bought a Northface fleece, but I made sure that it could be returned because it was the pink one that every single girl on the planet has, and it was NOT the one that I wanted. So after going to Standale Uccello's to see Karen on her last day with Shoup and Emily, I went to Dick's Sporting Goods and found a Marmot systems coat for $180, so today I took back the Northface jacket. I also had brunch at The Inn yesterday which was cool. Saw Nick and Val. I was going to go to Kalamazoo for the wrestling tournament, but when I called Andy it was 1pm, I was still in Grand Rapids, and he said that the consolation bracket was going into it's second to last round, and finals would be started by 4, so I thought it wasn't worth the trip. Only DuPont and Eddie are going to states. Levi was TWO POUNDS over when he weighed in yesterday. How does that even happen? Helbig took 2nd, so he's going and I'm geeked. Jeff Chambers will be there. Livonia's 171 is going. I've been looking for Brent Mencarelli but it doesn't look like he even entered the district tournament, so I don't know what's going on with that. Alex took first. Pairings are posted tomorrow!!! But I'm tired and might try to catch a nap before taxes...

Swear to shake it up...

Panic! At the Disco - "The Only Difference Between Martyrdom and Suicide Is Press Coverage". Good song...just fun. This whole CD is really random because it really has kind of negative lyrics but the whole thing also inspires movement. Weird.

I felt all right yesterday, and feel all right today, so at least the side effects aren't permenant for the next 3 months. Tonight I think I'm going to buy some Tylenol PM and take one before I take the shot, then I will sleep through the whole thing! Yay! Then there is class (that I might actually make it to) Friday, and work, and Saturday I think I'm going to Kalamazoo for wrestling regionals. I should work, but you can't make money there on the weekends anymore because they have 18 people on the floor so we all have 3 table sections. It's ridiculous. You CAN make money, but I've had bad experiences thus far, so I'm a little gun shy. However, I only have 2 more weekends to make money for individual states. I have just enough for my March 6th car payment right now, so everything I make between now and then is going to pay for states, and gas and food until then.

ANyway, Im off to email Abby and Adam back, and eat. I've polished off a yogurt so far today, but I really want some chicken. Bland foods are amazing, haha. Ooh, on a side note, I guess our bio lab is having a Fat Tuesday party next week for the 2 hours before Lab...I think that's amazing. We have such a cool class.

When they say "flu-like symptoms"...

...they are definitely not kidding.

I took my injection around 3:45pm, and by 6:15 I was shivering and felt like ass. I just keep trying to tell myself that (and average of) 3 months of this will more than make up for feeling better after that, right? Right...

On the plus side, the actual injection part is even easier than I thought. And I feel so crappy that I honestly might not eat anything but boiled chicken, brown rice and broccoli for awhile.

I'm going to Lansing tomorrow afternoon with Opie to spend some time with Geoff and possibly Jeff, getting some studying done (which I desperately need to do). First I have to go to the residence of one Mr. David Vander Boon and pick up a calculus book (Geoff has forgotten how to help someone with something), and a large container of protein powder that was forgotten by Jeff (his replacement made him sick).

I called Nick Huisman today to hang out (I'd talked to him online a couple of days ago and he said call him any day this week except Friday because "it had been too long", and Opie had seen him on campus earlier today) and left him a voicemail about catching up and blah blah blah. Anyway, he never called me back and I'm not surprised, but I am dissappointed. Not that I necessarily would have felt up to doing anything, but I don't know...I just wish he'd have called me back. He's never going to know about the Guster concert if he is MIA. I however, will be there.

All right, it's about time to go sleep 'til class, work, and driving tomorrow...ugh. Maybe someone will send me flowers. That would be exciting.

Nerves. Haha, irony.

I love Gram-negative bacteria. This is specifically known as Escherichia coli. You might have heard of it :o) It is the image for my group on facebook, "Sick Of Resistant Bacteria." Haha, I love it. I wonder if I prefer Gram-negative bacteria because it stains pink...

Anyway, I'm listening to Motion City Soundtrack right now. "Commit This To Memory" is such a good CD. I haven't fully analyzed it yet, and am therefore not totally sure if I know what exactly they're trying to say, but the song "Everything Is All Right" hits home. He's saying that things aren't really always that okay with whoever he's talking to, but he wants to hear them say that they are. I feel like that a lot. There have been so many days in the last year that I've wanted to lie in bed all day and cut off the world, but I feel like I have to play pretend and be "okay". And I do; I'm unfortunately really good at not showing emotion when I don't want to. Part of me feels like that has worked to my advantage, for me...but I've also compromised a lot of relationships with people by doing it. That's not to say that I blame myself for some of the friendships that aren't really there anymore, but there are a couple that I feel like, if I'd just been up front the whole time, I might not be where I am with the people today.

Kind of along with that is the song "Hold Me Down." He's saying that he's leaving, and he's sorry that it has to be under these circumstances but he just can't handle being so stifled anymore. He's just out of options. To me, those songs are tied together because it's holding a person back to have to pretend things are okay. When I break down where I went wrong with Jeff, I feel like a portion of it is that, for the last year or so that we were 'close', I was so cautious about what I said to him, and about criticizing him. And when it came to the point that I just was fed up with holding it in, I just burst out with all of it, and instead of explaining it, I just...was mean. And didn't ever explain it to him. Because I felt like explaining it wasn't going to help, but I never even tried. And then he got pissed off, and I got pissed off, and then I stopped caring because that's what I do. He didn't hold me back really, I just held myself back because of how I was pretty sure he was going to react. And because I had cared so much, holding it back just built it up. And now I don't know what's going on, because I think we're both trying to be friends again. I know he's trying to. But I'm still cautious because I don't want to just pretend like nothing was ever wrong and just jump back into what it was. Some of the core problems probably will still be there, and in the end it will just end up the same. But I still don't feel comfortable bringing things up with him. There's just never a time that feels appropriate. I've considered, even started, writing him a letter, but I never follow through because it just doesn't seem like it'll work. It never hurts to try I guess. It can't really get worse than it was...I care about him. We were too close for too long to just brush it off, I feel like. I think that we needed each other a lot, and that we both helped each other through some things that otherwise would have been a much bumpier ride. But where do I go from here?

I need individual states. I need Abby, and Addie. And wrestling, and to get away for a couple of days and just have fun, and spend time with people that are so refreshing to be around. And not have to work, nor have to worry about finding someone to pick up my shifts, because I requested them off. And seeing what is, to me, the pinnacle of what people work for. It's so cool to see these kids finally get everything they worked for. Because to them, at this point in their lives, this is it. For Eddie, it's what he's worked for, and what he's wanted for himself at this stage. Of course most of them have other plans for 6 months from now, but right now they're there because they wanted something bad enough and (most of them) worked their ass off for a long time to get there, and it's awesome. ::I added a couple of names to my list on the previous post of who I wanted to see at States this year:: Anyway, I'm ready for the break. I love sitting at the Palace, studying microorganisms. (Really, I do. It's sad.)

I am really nervous about starting my medication. Maybe not nervous. I just can't get my head around what it means. When I was younger, I used to read Babysitter's Club books and think how cool it was that one of the characters had to give herself shots. It wasn't cool that she was diabetic by any means, but I always thought that it would be neat to give yourself shots everyday. It's a little ironic that I get to now, every other day, because I'm sure most kids don't think "wow, I really love needles." I don't love needles. I don't mind needles. I do however know myself, and I know that this is going to get old. And it's going to be a lesson in continuity for me. This isn't going to be something that I can think one day...eh, I don't feel like doing an injection. Even if I feel shitty, which all signs point to "I'm Going To". In fact, the major side effect of starting this medication is feeling flu-like for 3 months while my body adjusts to the medication. I don't have the flu very often, but I know that when I do, being all achey isn't the most fun I could have. Not the worst by any means. Right now my mindset is to just try and ignore it - I have a fairly high pain threshold I think - and maybe even physically exhert myself a bit more than normal because I'll already be sore, so why not, oh, learn to snowboard? The worst that can happen is I'll be a little more sore, but at least some of the flu-sore will be masked by that good-sore. I think. We'll see how this goes. At least Ben will be there tomorrow. He has to be there...really, he's been my brick wall through all of this. He doesn't know it, at least not to the extent that he is, but I would have shut down a long time ago without him. It's not that I need people to talk about MS or even express interest in it really, but he's the only person that I've always felt I could bring it up with. And he asks about it sometimes, which a lot of my friends do, but since he knows the whole history...he's just really important. And it was 100% necessary that he be there.

This post is really long. I wish I wasn't so angsty.

Abby started a blog, so I was inspired to post on mine yet again...

Work on Friday night SUCKED. I was there for almost 12 hours, and walked with $65. I kept asking Justin to take 2 of my Bic fine points and stab my eyes out, but he wouldn't do it. I even promised him no lawsuits, but nooooo..."too messy"...f that.

The tournament today was awesome. I can't believe I've missed so much wrestling this year. I went to Lakewood's dual against DeWitt, but it was a joke so I didn't really get too excited. And Livonia-Stevenson, though pretty good, and a high level of skill could be sensed, weren't putting their best foot forward the night that I went to watch, so again...not much excitement. But today was amazing. I was looking at Abby's blog, and she was saying who she really wants to see wrestle at individual states, and when she said Eddie and Alex, she put next to them "the last time ever/in a Lakewood singlet...". That made me so sad! She's right! I didn't think about that!! I haven't thought about that in a long time! I mean, I guess I always think about that this time of year, and it's always sad, but it really hit me more this year than I think ever before...because this is one of the years that's really winding it all down for me. I was a senior when these seniors were freshman, so this is the last batch of kids I actually saw in the halls. Yes, there's Levi and a couple of others..but no more Eddie? No more Mikey Gregory!? And it always sucks when that senior doesn't make it out of districts...whether they're a good wrestler or not, it always sucks. My brother lost in districts his senior year, first time he didn't make it out, and it was indescribably awful. This year, Kruger isn't the greatest wrestler, but there's so much hope...and in past years, the guys have still had team things to look forward to, and work harder for...but the guys lost on Wednesday. I always get into funny moods this time of year anyway...maybe it's the darkness. Maybe it's because it's an awkward stretch between that glorious, long Christmas break and the anxiously-awaited Spring Break. Not sure. I'll have to psycho-analyze that and get back to you. But my turn for a list of who I must see at States this year...
1. Eddie Phillips - He's hot. He's amazing. He'll be legal on March 6th, haha.
2. Alex Phillips - He's hot. He's amazing. He deserves to do something really great.
3. Levi Phelps - I love that kid. And I love when sophomores kick ass.
4. LJ Helbig - I want to see him and Levi battle for the next 2 years.
5. Josh Bocks - One of my favorite coaches :o)
6. Livonia-Stevenson 171# - Don't know him, but really want to see him wrestle.
7. Jeff Chambers - He beat Jeff Boon out of regionals his senior year, so I would like to see him make that worth it.
8. Jeremiah Craft - He's just a good time to watch.
9. Brent Mencarelli - His older brother kicks ass, and Brent is a damn good wrestler. And not just because the rest of Byron Center's wrestling team sucks.
10. Jacob Burge - Why not?
11. Shawn Veitch - I wonder if he can ref there yet?
...more coming later, I don't remember who all else I was a fan of. Dang.

"honestly, john and IO could g each math better thjanb him"...that is Colin, typing to me while drunk on AIM, explaining to me that "honestly, John and I could teach math better than (Hassett)". As Abby says, "God bless alcohol".
IMarxVI: the whore boots my my toes hurt
IMarxVI: made, is in that sentence
He is definitely trying to explain that he had to wear "whore boots" to a cross-dress mixer that they had tonight, and that they hurt him. But dang, Coli. And for the record, I have to put his away message on here because it made me laugh aloud: "sleeping bitches, you're all just jealous, 'cause my milkshake takes all the boys from the yard, damn right"

Wow, Colin makes my night sometimes. Speaking of making one's night, Abby usually makes them quite nice as well. Tonight she provided me with a gorgeous photo of herself...pretty hot, I know. But I work in the morning, and it's 3:25am, so I should probably call it a night!!

I wrote this email to Josh that I haven't sent yet, it's just sitting there, and I'm not really sure why I'm not sending it. It's like...it's too personal. And I don't mind telling him what I tell him, I'm just not sure that it's something that he'll want to hear. Does that make sense? For example, I begin the email by saying, in a nutshell, I get in weird moods sometimes when I'm tired and stressed, and that this is one of those times. What if he gets this email and thinks..."what the fuck? Why is this girl spouting off about this silliness to me for? I hardly know her." So instead I will proceed to sit on the email while I type this and decide if I want to send it or not.

Also in said email, I mention that I was listening to a couple of Trapt songs that I liked. The thing is, I haven't listened to those songs in a long long time, and as I was listening to them they reminded me of the fall that I lived in Grandville, and driving down 44th St. back to the apartment, home from somewhere, listening to a mix CD that had those on there. I can't really describe what the memory felt like, but I think we've all had those...I could smell the air, and feel the sun on me, and the air because the window was down...I could just sense it all. It was so poignant. Another example, right this moment I'm listening to a CD that Josh burned me this fall that I listened to a LOT for awhile then I kind put in the archives. Again, I can picture specific moments when certain songs are playing that I, for some reason, associate...it's odd. I like it. But then I wonder...if you can hold such seemingly sometimes random parallels in your sunconscious that are brought out with something like a song or a smell...how can you harness that? How can you manipulate that human tendency to work for us? I don't know if I totally know what I'm asking...I'm oddly wording my question and now I'm having trouble figuring out what I mean.

Lyrical Lies - Cute Is What We Aim For
Exit, Emergency - Houston Calls
Distance vs. Melody - Kicking Howard
Meet Me On the Battlefield - 4 Former Marines Who Are Anti-War
Come On - Number One Fan
Heroes Die - Ronnie Day
Checkmarks - The Academy Is...
Funny Little Feeling - Rock 'N' Roll Soldiers
I Miss You - And Then I Turned Seven
Sleeping In - The Postal Service
Conversations With the Wind - Houston Calls
Scotty Doesn't Know - Lustra
Where Is Your Heart Tonight - Shore Road
Masterpiece - Bayside
Contradictions - Absinthe Glow
It's For the Best - Straylight Run
Cute Without the E (Cut From the Team) - Taking Back Sunday
Just A Joke - A Beautiful Silence
Waiting For You to Rip My Heart Out - A Beautiful Silence
Teasing To Please - Cute Is What We Aim For

I'm at Cassidy's house, obviously unable to sleep, and it's 4:16 am and her mom just got up to make some coffee. I feel bad when I'm still up from the day before when other people get up to go to work. Over the years, it's happened a few times with Cassidy's mom. I remember when were in Jr. High, we used to go to bed when we heard her mom get up upstairs. When I lived at the Viponds, I used to try and at least go to my room before Martin got up in the morning...I don't know. I just feel like, when people get up that early every day, the morning is "their time". To wake up, sit in silence, do whatever it is they do. And they don't usually do it with someone else there. Not only that, but they are trying to get their day started, and people like me are the leftovers from the day that is done for them. I feel in the way, and like I'm invading some space bubble I'm not supposed to touch.

Absinthe Glow might be my next CD purchase. I'm going through one of my more mellow music phases right now.

I can't decide about that email still, so I'm going to paste it here, and maybe email it in the morning...? Maybe not. Maybe I won't post it.

************************************************************************************
So I get in these weird moods sometimes when I'm tired and need to sleep but can't (I believe the technical term for it is "stress"?), and tonight is another one of those nights for me. I've been getting those a lot lately, and I think some of it is that I'm more anxious to start poking myself with needles then I'd like to think/admit, and I'm struggling with some school decisions that have to be made and blah blah blah, I'll delve into it sometime if you want to talk feelings, but...anyway, I was facebooking, and observing your profile, and thought the following things, in this order, as I looked at your wall:

1. I'm excited that a song talks about mitochondria and cells.
2. This song is kind of angry; I'll bet it's good.
3. That's a good Straylight Run jam.
4. Josh might need a hug.

For the record, I work until about 1am, but I will drive straight to Royal Oak the second I walk about the door if you want a hug. (You might mistakenly think I'm kidding.) As it happens, hugs don't always work for boys but I often find them comforting, so you just let me know.

Some old-school Trapt is happening in my ears right now ("Stories" and "The Wall") and I'm liking it. It's strange how you can not listen to certain songs for a length of time, and then when you go back and hear them again, all kinds of other memories associated with them come flooding at you.

Lakewood lost to Eaton Rapids tonight, for the first time since...probably 1999...at their district. I'm curious to see if Veitch is in good health on Saturday. I called to see how your guys did at theirs. Also to say that I thought of yet another option for the ID and I sent her a message tonight so maybe by tomorrow I will actually have made a bit of headway.

I have a many thoughts going right now, and this email is 37 kinds of pointless I'm sure, but I wanted to get out there that, if your post actually means something to you, I will find a way to help fix it. Take care,
************************************************************************************
I posted it. Still haven't sent it. I titled it after some lyrics to "Ready" by The Starting Line. "I've been waiting for answers, dancing in circles, making me sick...". Good song.

I love being in the car by myself, driving to and from Lake Odessa, because it gives me time to just chill and listen to anything I want. It's soothing.

4 days and some hours until injections start.

All right, real post time. For real though. Not any of the cop out randomness I've been typing.

I dropped anatomy, so now I'm down to 1 class, 4 credits. It took me from the city streets of Royal Oak to the Lyons-Muir exit to make that decision, but once I actually went and dropped the class, I felt pretty good about it. There is just too much going on for me this semester to put the effort I should into any classes, but most especially 2 difficult, full-time classes. Anatomy in itself is an assload, and then when you tack on an organismal biological diversity class...I hate organismal biology. I hate naming plants, and microscopic organisms. I don't like doing it. And I'm so unfocused right now that it makes it hard for me to do this craziness. So I decided that, with my medication starting next Tuesday (barred only by my not yet having the medication by next Monday), and therefore the side effects starting the same day and lasting for the remainder of the semester, I would cut down my schedule.

Work has been tedious lately. I'm starting to dread going to work again, which is never good. The money hasn't been great, and that is definitely the only reason I really like that job. I like the people that I work with, but I could do without 87% of the people that come in to eat. People are just rude! Seriously, everyone should be required to work in a restaurant before they can eat in one. Maybe then they'd see what they look like. And, as Ryan Reynolds so accurately put it, "Don't fuck with the people who are bringing you your food." I always have a bottle of Visine on me, and the floors in the kitchen are not that clean...

I am very much liking my car. I feel like I'm packing the miles on it though...I've seriously put over 2000 on it since I started driving it exactly 2 weeks ago. (Which is crazy, p.s.) However, it's not like I'm driving to Royal Oak every week, and Lansing is just like driving to Grand Rapids...I'll just have to start staying in GRap more once I get settled into everything. I don't particularily like staying at home anyway...

The parents are a whole new rant. Ridiculous. I don't even have the energy for it right now, but lets just say that Ben and I need their tax forms for our financial aid papers, and they're mysteriously hard to come by. Mom's under the impression that Ben still has their forms from last year (which they never filed) and she wants them back so she's being a bitch about it. It's just an inappropriate situation, all-around. That's not even all the stupid things she was saying to Ben. Asking him when he's going to graduate, and why he's had to retake classes...funny story, he's actually working 2 jobs to pay his own way through school because your beer is more important than helping out the kids you chose to have a few years back. So shut the fuck up and give him the 3 papers that he needs to try and make it a little easier on him. I don't give 2 shits that you're approaching 50 and are oh-so-worldly, you have no idea what kind of bullshit the 4 of us kid had to deal with having the two of you as parents. I can promise it wasn't the life either of you grew up with. We've lived a little more in our 19+ years than you did at our age, so really...shut the fuck up.

Thankfully the Olympics are on. I pretty much love Shaun White. I want to learn how to snowboard, so I'm banking on one of 4 people to teach me. In 4 years, I want to be able to do some stupid little trick on a half-pipe. I've started strengthening my core in order to make balancing a little more fluid...this is exciting.

Guster is playing at MSU in April!! Tickets go on sale next week, and I'm pretty excited about that, too. I'm getting tickets for sure. It's been 2 years since they've been in Michigan, and I tell you...too long.

Something is wrong with Karen, and has been wrong, and I don't know what.

These are all the bands I had listed on my Facebook (verbatim what I just said to Opie). But I'm cleaning up my profile, so I thought I'd get those out there for later in life when I forget what I once liked...

Guster, DMB, Chicago, O.A.R., Gavin DeGraw, Michael Tolcher, Howie Day, Matt Wertz, The All-American Rejects, John Mayer, Jason Mraz, Sondre Lerche, Coldplay, The Streets, Josh Rose, Damien Rice, Elliott Smith, Ronnie Day, Journey, Aslyn, Enrique Iglasias, The Cars, The Killers, Hot Hot Heat, Modest Mouse, Chopin, Vivaldi, the Rent soundtrack, Stroke 9, Keane, The Postal Service, Deathcab for Cutie, Dashboard Confessional, Keaton Simons, Backseat Goodbye, Ben Folds, Ben Harper, Ben Kweller, Ben Lee, Eve 6, Splender, Frank Ticheli, Michael Bublé, Better Than Ezra, Bliss 66, Josh Groban, Fuel, Gin Blossoms, Goo Goo Dolls, Earth Wind & Fire, Staind, the Drumline soundtrack, most movie scores, Ingram Hill, Jack Johnson, Sarah MacLachlan, The Snake The Cross The Crown, Particle, Snow Patrol, Phish, Lifehouse, Maroon 5, Matt Nathanson, Ludacris, Nine Days, Radiohead, Pete Yorn, Snow Patrol, Tegan & Sara, Something Corporate, Ryan Adams, Rusted Root, Simply Red, Taking Back Sunday, Switchfoot, U2, Toad & the Wet Sprocket, Green Day, Wilco, Vertical Horizon, Hanson

I thought since it had been many moons since my last posting, I should get going on that. I have an exam in (roughly) 6 hours that I am not even a little prepared for, so we'll see how that goes. I do love not having any clue what's happening.

On the plus side, the 2005 Malibu that I got on Thursday is a good time! It is taking it's first substantial road trip next Thursday when I go to the East Side for a Livonia-Stevenson wrestling match and to see Josh. I have not seen enough wrestling this season, so I'm excited for that!!

I'm really tired, so this whole "posting" thing isn't working out for me...nighty night!