Nerves. Haha, irony.

I love Gram-negative bacteria. This is specifically known as Escherichia coli. You might have heard of it :o) It is the image for my group on facebook, "Sick Of Resistant Bacteria." Haha, I love it. I wonder if I prefer Gram-negative bacteria because it stains pink...

Anyway, I'm listening to Motion City Soundtrack right now. "Commit This To Memory" is such a good CD. I haven't fully analyzed it yet, and am therefore not totally sure if I know what exactly they're trying to say, but the song "Everything Is All Right" hits home. He's saying that things aren't really always that okay with whoever he's talking to, but he wants to hear them say that they are. I feel like that a lot. There have been so many days in the last year that I've wanted to lie in bed all day and cut off the world, but I feel like I have to play pretend and be "okay". And I do; I'm unfortunately really good at not showing emotion when I don't want to. Part of me feels like that has worked to my advantage, for me...but I've also compromised a lot of relationships with people by doing it. That's not to say that I blame myself for some of the friendships that aren't really there anymore, but there are a couple that I feel like, if I'd just been up front the whole time, I might not be where I am with the people today.

Kind of along with that is the song "Hold Me Down." He's saying that he's leaving, and he's sorry that it has to be under these circumstances but he just can't handle being so stifled anymore. He's just out of options. To me, those songs are tied together because it's holding a person back to have to pretend things are okay. When I break down where I went wrong with Jeff, I feel like a portion of it is that, for the last year or so that we were 'close', I was so cautious about what I said to him, and about criticizing him. And when it came to the point that I just was fed up with holding it in, I just burst out with all of it, and instead of explaining it, I just...was mean. And didn't ever explain it to him. Because I felt like explaining it wasn't going to help, but I never even tried. And then he got pissed off, and I got pissed off, and then I stopped caring because that's what I do. He didn't hold me back really, I just held myself back because of how I was pretty sure he was going to react. And because I had cared so much, holding it back just built it up. And now I don't know what's going on, because I think we're both trying to be friends again. I know he's trying to. But I'm still cautious because I don't want to just pretend like nothing was ever wrong and just jump back into what it was. Some of the core problems probably will still be there, and in the end it will just end up the same. But I still don't feel comfortable bringing things up with him. There's just never a time that feels appropriate. I've considered, even started, writing him a letter, but I never follow through because it just doesn't seem like it'll work. It never hurts to try I guess. It can't really get worse than it was...I care about him. We were too close for too long to just brush it off, I feel like. I think that we needed each other a lot, and that we both helped each other through some things that otherwise would have been a much bumpier ride. But where do I go from here?

I need individual states. I need Abby, and Addie. And wrestling, and to get away for a couple of days and just have fun, and spend time with people that are so refreshing to be around. And not have to work, nor have to worry about finding someone to pick up my shifts, because I requested them off. And seeing what is, to me, the pinnacle of what people work for. It's so cool to see these kids finally get everything they worked for. Because to them, at this point in their lives, this is it. For Eddie, it's what he's worked for, and what he's wanted for himself at this stage. Of course most of them have other plans for 6 months from now, but right now they're there because they wanted something bad enough and (most of them) worked their ass off for a long time to get there, and it's awesome. ::I added a couple of names to my list on the previous post of who I wanted to see at States this year:: Anyway, I'm ready for the break. I love sitting at the Palace, studying microorganisms. (Really, I do. It's sad.)

I am really nervous about starting my medication. Maybe not nervous. I just can't get my head around what it means. When I was younger, I used to read Babysitter's Club books and think how cool it was that one of the characters had to give herself shots. It wasn't cool that she was diabetic by any means, but I always thought that it would be neat to give yourself shots everyday. It's a little ironic that I get to now, every other day, because I'm sure most kids don't think "wow, I really love needles." I don't love needles. I don't mind needles. I do however know myself, and I know that this is going to get old. And it's going to be a lesson in continuity for me. This isn't going to be something that I can think one day...eh, I don't feel like doing an injection. Even if I feel shitty, which all signs point to "I'm Going To". In fact, the major side effect of starting this medication is feeling flu-like for 3 months while my body adjusts to the medication. I don't have the flu very often, but I know that when I do, being all achey isn't the most fun I could have. Not the worst by any means. Right now my mindset is to just try and ignore it - I have a fairly high pain threshold I think - and maybe even physically exhert myself a bit more than normal because I'll already be sore, so why not, oh, learn to snowboard? The worst that can happen is I'll be a little more sore, but at least some of the flu-sore will be masked by that good-sore. I think. We'll see how this goes. At least Ben will be there tomorrow. He has to be there...really, he's been my brick wall through all of this. He doesn't know it, at least not to the extent that he is, but I would have shut down a long time ago without him. It's not that I need people to talk about MS or even express interest in it really, but he's the only person that I've always felt I could bring it up with. And he asks about it sometimes, which a lot of my friends do, but since he knows the whole history...he's just really important. And it was 100% necessary that he be there.

This post is really long. I wish I wasn't so angsty.