I wrote this email to Josh that I haven't sent yet, it's just sitting there, and I'm not really sure why I'm not sending it. It's like...it's too personal. And I don't mind telling him what I tell him, I'm just not sure that it's something that he'll want to hear. Does that make sense? For example, I begin the email by saying, in a nutshell, I get in weird moods sometimes when I'm tired and stressed, and that this is one of those times. What if he gets this email and thinks..."what the fuck? Why is this girl spouting off about this silliness to me for? I hardly know her." So instead I will proceed to sit on the email while I type this and decide if I want to send it or not.

Also in said email, I mention that I was listening to a couple of Trapt songs that I liked. The thing is, I haven't listened to those songs in a long long time, and as I was listening to them they reminded me of the fall that I lived in Grandville, and driving down 44th St. back to the apartment, home from somewhere, listening to a mix CD that had those on there. I can't really describe what the memory felt like, but I think we've all had those...I could smell the air, and feel the sun on me, and the air because the window was down...I could just sense it all. It was so poignant. Another example, right this moment I'm listening to a CD that Josh burned me this fall that I listened to a LOT for awhile then I kind put in the archives. Again, I can picture specific moments when certain songs are playing that I, for some reason, associate...it's odd. I like it. But then I wonder...if you can hold such seemingly sometimes random parallels in your sunconscious that are brought out with something like a song or a smell...how can you harness that? How can you manipulate that human tendency to work for us? I don't know if I totally know what I'm asking...I'm oddly wording my question and now I'm having trouble figuring out what I mean.

Lyrical Lies - Cute Is What We Aim For
Exit, Emergency - Houston Calls
Distance vs. Melody - Kicking Howard
Meet Me On the Battlefield - 4 Former Marines Who Are Anti-War
Come On - Number One Fan
Heroes Die - Ronnie Day
Checkmarks - The Academy Is...
Funny Little Feeling - Rock 'N' Roll Soldiers
I Miss You - And Then I Turned Seven
Sleeping In - The Postal Service
Conversations With the Wind - Houston Calls
Scotty Doesn't Know - Lustra
Where Is Your Heart Tonight - Shore Road
Masterpiece - Bayside
Contradictions - Absinthe Glow
It's For the Best - Straylight Run
Cute Without the E (Cut From the Team) - Taking Back Sunday
Just A Joke - A Beautiful Silence
Waiting For You to Rip My Heart Out - A Beautiful Silence
Teasing To Please - Cute Is What We Aim For

I'm at Cassidy's house, obviously unable to sleep, and it's 4:16 am and her mom just got up to make some coffee. I feel bad when I'm still up from the day before when other people get up to go to work. Over the years, it's happened a few times with Cassidy's mom. I remember when were in Jr. High, we used to go to bed when we heard her mom get up upstairs. When I lived at the Viponds, I used to try and at least go to my room before Martin got up in the morning...I don't know. I just feel like, when people get up that early every day, the morning is "their time". To wake up, sit in silence, do whatever it is they do. And they don't usually do it with someone else there. Not only that, but they are trying to get their day started, and people like me are the leftovers from the day that is done for them. I feel in the way, and like I'm invading some space bubble I'm not supposed to touch.

Absinthe Glow might be my next CD purchase. I'm going through one of my more mellow music phases right now.

I can't decide about that email still, so I'm going to paste it here, and maybe email it in the morning...? Maybe not. Maybe I won't post it.

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So I get in these weird moods sometimes when I'm tired and need to sleep but can't (I believe the technical term for it is "stress"?), and tonight is another one of those nights for me. I've been getting those a lot lately, and I think some of it is that I'm more anxious to start poking myself with needles then I'd like to think/admit, and I'm struggling with some school decisions that have to be made and blah blah blah, I'll delve into it sometime if you want to talk feelings, but...anyway, I was facebooking, and observing your profile, and thought the following things, in this order, as I looked at your wall:

1. I'm excited that a song talks about mitochondria and cells.
2. This song is kind of angry; I'll bet it's good.
3. That's a good Straylight Run jam.
4. Josh might need a hug.

For the record, I work until about 1am, but I will drive straight to Royal Oak the second I walk about the door if you want a hug. (You might mistakenly think I'm kidding.) As it happens, hugs don't always work for boys but I often find them comforting, so you just let me know.

Some old-school Trapt is happening in my ears right now ("Stories" and "The Wall") and I'm liking it. It's strange how you can not listen to certain songs for a length of time, and then when you go back and hear them again, all kinds of other memories associated with them come flooding at you.

Lakewood lost to Eaton Rapids tonight, for the first time since...probably 1999...at their district. I'm curious to see if Veitch is in good health on Saturday. I called to see how your guys did at theirs. Also to say that I thought of yet another option for the ID and I sent her a message tonight so maybe by tomorrow I will actually have made a bit of headway.

I have a many thoughts going right now, and this email is 37 kinds of pointless I'm sure, but I wanted to get out there that, if your post actually means something to you, I will find a way to help fix it. Take care,
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I posted it. Still haven't sent it. I titled it after some lyrics to "Ready" by The Starting Line. "I've been waiting for answers, dancing in circles, making me sick...". Good song.

I love being in the car by myself, driving to and from Lake Odessa, because it gives me time to just chill and listen to anything I want. It's soothing.

4 days and some hours until injections start.