Sometimes summertime makes me sad...

Tonight is just one of those nights.

Rather, maybe it's just been one of those years. I've been reading through the Food Matters website and some of it's links for the last hour... actually, to start at the beginning, I woke up yesterday and decided that it was The Day to start being healthier. Since February, I've been feebly looking up things online about making lifestyle changes to be well. And in the last month, I've been putting a lot of thought into how many people will sit on facebook or twitter, complaining about politicians and high gas prices and things of that nature...but that's all they do. Just sit and complain. And I realized that was all that I was doing regarding my own wellness - just sitting online learning about what I should be doing, or could be doing. So when I awoke yesterday, it was time to do something - finally!

I do not have the means to make any crazy changes. Buying organic foods is not a reasonable option for me financially. Just before I started writing this blog, I submitted a request to make an appointment with a holistic dentist - I know that I have cavities, and my wisdom teeth need removing. Not having insurance, however, makes my stomach hurt every time I think about what I need done. (FYI, I must not be looking in the right places, but I have been looking for medical coverage options since 2005 and continually get told I'm out of luck.) Everything that I have been reading about wellness seems to come back to getting your mouth in working order. Turtle has been telling me for 2 years that I "don't even know how much space my wisdom teeth are taking up until they're gone," which sounds awesome because my teeth clenching and constant jaw pain give me a fairly decent idea of how much room they're taking up.

But where do I start? With everything, I mean. Not just dentistry. Yesterday and today I have been paying closer attention to what I eat (I've proclaimed this week "mostly raw" with a potential all-raw follow-up next week), and sweatin' to the DVD-player. And I know that getting rid of this weight that I've put on will make me feel loads better, but I also know that it is a long process. I know better than to expect immediate results, but what I fear is that there are so many other things going on with my body (that require medical appointments that I can't afford) that I can eat well and work out, and still not shed this weight.

As I peruse all of these websites, it's hard to filter through all of the information. Eat raw, eat organic, take supplements, bathe in Epsom salts, be active, absorb sunshine (but use sunscreen) - but don't out chemically-laden creams on your skin! - make sure your footwear gives you proper support, have healthy teeth... Most of these sites are saying the same things (barring the circle-talk such as the sun/screen-type situations), but the sheer volume of information is overwhelming for me.

Oh, and the underlying thought in my head that there are so many things wrong with me that I'm a lost cause. :/ But then I think...isn't that fear what is keeping our society uninsured, fed with cheap processed foods, obese and unwell? I think that it is. So I need to stop being scared. But money scares me. Handling money is terrifying to me, what little I have learned, I had to teach myself - and all I know is that I have debt, and no way to repay it. How am I supposed to make a dentist appointment when I can't pay for the neurologist appointment I already had, or the medicine that I need to order? But I can't stop taking the medicine unless I talk with some doctors and make myself well.

I think one of the worst parts of all of this is how alone I feel. Not sure why. I can't sleep at night, my eventual sleep is punctuated, and I sleep until the afternoon. By the time I get up and around for the day, most of the daylight has gone and I feel lethargic and worthless.

It doesn't help that Turtle has been ignoring me for the better part of 2 weeks. Another summer of him hating his job and taking it out on me has been stressing me to the maximum. He is not to blame for my sleeplessness entirely. When he's working midnights, it comforts me to be awake until weird hours texting him - it makes me feel like we have a connection of some kind albeit the distance and schedules and my lack of car. I choose to stay up, he's never asked me to.

But last summer was hell for me. I was unhappy for so much of it, because - whether he meant to or not - he was fucking with my mind. He would be nice to me, come stay with me, call and text me almost every day when he would start a new job...and then ignore me, be short with me, tell me in various ways that I was not a priority for him at all, sometimes for a week or more. But by the beginning of September, I had started to feel like he and I were going in a good direction again. Then my dad died, and I didn't realize until Christmas how much I resented Turtle for not being there for me through that, in the ways I wanted and needed him to be. And I think the only reason Christmas reminded me was because he made me feel like I was something he couldn't imagine bringing home to his family - even though I had spent the holidays with them the year before.

Right now I am feeling that same worthlessness. And all of those feelings that I thought I had "gotten over" are back, and I don't know what I can do about them. Sometimes I find myself thinking that maybe he doesn't care about me as much as I have thought he did for the last 2 years? The next minute I tell myself that, like he told me last year, it has nothing to do with me and work stresses him out. But I thought I took the right precautions this summer. I told him when he first started working again in April that I didn't want him to go crazy again, and he agreed with me...then I said it again the weekend of my birthday when I was trying to decide about Mackinac. I said it a 3rd time about 2 weeks ago as well - which I have thought about as a possible reason for his shut-down. But I don't think that it is because he didn't immediately stop talking to me after we had that conversation. So I don't know.

I need to stop being scared. This weight has got to go - it will make me feel healthier, BE healthier, look better, feel good about myself... and I am taking good steps to do that, so I feel all right about it right now. I need to figure out a dentist, and a couple of other appointments...which is a daunting task that makes me nervous and upon thinking about it makes me immediately want to mentally shut down - which I can't let myself do. I keep telling myself that if make myself well, things with Turtle will also get better because I will have a better outlook about them. Maybe he'll call me tomorrow... :/