From : Alesheia Hake
Sent : Tuesday, July 19, 2005 2:26 AM
To : opie_won@hotmail.com, ahake1@hotmail.com
Subject : And so it is...
O-P, what's up?
I've been sitting here thinking for a long while about a little bit of everything, and this is what I've come up with that I think you should read...
My saying that I would be OK with never hanging out with Jeff again was harsher than it should have been. I just really don't enjoy being around him anymore, the reasons being numerous, and I will dive into those shortly. When you said our situations were total opposites, I disagreed whole-heartedly. We never really showed our friendship to people for what it was when it was good, and I still don't think that needs any kind of explanation to you people, but in any case he didn't ever used to brush me off like I am with him right now. That probably makes me a bad person, but that's for another discussion.
I'm fairly certain we've discussed it already, but I got too sick of hearing what a bad friend I was. All the time, it felt like. So in February, when he first told me pretty much that, I began resenting him. And thinking about all the times that I was a bad friend to every other person in my life so that I could be a good friend to him. But then I thought, this relationship is still worth it, we're really close, and I can talk to him about anything still, so we'll just go with it. Fast-forward to a couple months ago when I was having a hard time with life in general, I hadn't felt well in a long time, and I was not being a generally nice person. I emailed him to apologize and try to give an explanation for my attitude, and got a reply that was, in a nutshell, the following: I'm not as good a friend as you give me credit for. And as far as the MS goes, it sounds like life threw you some bad balls, and you have to learn to deal with it.
That email was followed the next day with another saying that I was a jerk (that night you came to Bennigan's with Tyler, Katie, Stevie and Alissa) and that he was mad at me for it. So then I just got angry. And realized that he really wasn't a good friend, and that was made especially obvious with the "just learn to deal with it" statement, and with those words, the resentment increased ten-fold. At least. So here I am today, at the realization that the last 3 years have taught me a lot, helped us both in many ways that we wouldn't have otherwise been exposed to, and given me a lot of insight into him, and human nature. But he and I are not on the same page right now, and it sucks more than I can explain to anyone, because I want the best friend that I thought I had back when, and I don't have anything like that now, and here I sit just plain confused. But he's made it abundantly clear that he doesn't have any interest in my life besides the surface shit that happens every day, and I have 300 people who want to hear about that. 300 people who are more mature than Jeff, and will give as well as recieve criticism without getting pissed off. And some of them even honestly want to know about all the things that are really happening in my life. And that's nice.
There's my stance. I do'nt know what I want right now, and it's really not that much to do with Jeff because I came to my conclusions about him a while ago, but since I haven't been with you all that much then it hasn't really had a chance to come out yet I guess. It's weird because when he and I are just by ourselves sometimes I act normal just because it feels nice to feel normal again. That also adds me to the Bad Person list, but what can you do?. ANd the combination of you 4 really does irritate the hell out of me lately, but I'm beginning to think it has a lot less to do with you, Geoff, and Alan, and a lot more to do with my resentment of Jeff, and how I feel about my life in general right now.
It sucks feeling like shit all the time, and though I'm feeling a bit better lately, I felt terrible for a long long time, and a lot more than I told anyone. And I hate not driving because of a disease that I really can't control, and though I finally feel like I might be getting some kind of handle on the whole thing, I'm still really confused, and still don't know where to start making choices. And on top of all of that, the entire idea of school, and GRCC for another year, and transferring someplace just boggles my mind.
And it's not that I like the Grand Rapids kids better than you guys. I just miss being around them all the time, and I didn't really see any of them for a couple of months, and now 2 of the ones that I was particularily close to are leaving at the end of the month, and it makes me sad. And now that I'm back with them, it seems like I'm more "accepted" by them. Which is weird, because I'm comfortable with all of you more than I am with them overall. But it's almost like...sometimes it's like everyone in our "group" is on a different page than anyone else, and everyone is just in a great deal of conflict. But externally, we're all well and good because all we talk about is silly shit that doesn't really matter. But around the people from work and such, we talk about things that do matter, because we're all just trying to find what we want. Does that make sense to you? It's a totally different world of people there, and I like having it around. But please don't take that to mean that I don't like you. Because I love you, too.
So thanks for reading my jibberish. ANd for letting me vent. And for at least trying to understand where I'm coming from. Call me if you're bored, and if I don't answer I'm probably at Downtown Friday's. Email me back if you have something to say; I'll probably check it at some point this week. I'm sorry that I've been so stressed out, and if I've been taking it out on you. I really haven't been meaning to. I've been trying really hard to not do that, but I don't know how good of a job I've been doing. Your input is appreciated...and I love you, Opie. Talk to you soon.
*Alesheia* "Time is never time at all...you can never, ever leave without leaving a piece of you...and our lives are forever changed, they will never be the same...the more you change, the less you feel." - Billy Corgan, "Tonight, Tonight", Smashing Pumpkins, Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness.
**************************************************************************************************
From : Jeff VanderBoon
Sent : Wednesday, July 20, 2005 8:20 AM
To : ahake1@hotmail.com
Subject : wow
Alright, I'm in a hurry, but I wanted to get this done so I'm just going to make it happen. So the other day I asked if something was wrong with Alesheia (post-movie @ gym). And apparently I'm the only one of the "group" that you don't like hanging out with, which is probably the most ridiculous thing i've ever heard. I honestly don't know what your problem is. All I've ever been is nice to you. Apparently, upon questioning Opie, you're still bitter that I didn't handle you having MS very well. Guess what? WHAT THE HECK WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO? What do you want me to give you a hug and magically make it go away? Do you want me to quit school and dedicate my life to finding a cure? Maybe I could just be willing to help you whenever you need it, and drive you around if you need it, or do anything else you ask me to....OH WAIT I ALREADY DO THAT.
This is so amazing. I'm sorry I don't go to your doctors' appointments with you. Do you expect me to just ignore school and work? I'm perfectly willing to help when I can, and i've learned a lot about MS, but I've pretty much learned that you don't care yourself. How am I supposed to help you when you refuse to acknowledge that somethis is wrong with you. ALL YOU CAN possibly do it make lifestyle changes, but you won't do it, because it's not fair. Well that kinda crap is going to happen, and you seem perfecttly happy to let it happen.
And while we're at it, I don't know when you started to think that you were superior to everyone else, but it's getting pretty old. I don't know where you get off calling eveyrone immature, but yknow what I think is immature? Pretending you don't have a disease when you do, and getting drunk and sitting around and complaining about it all the time. I think you really need to grow up and stop expecting other people to cater to your every whim.
Yknow, I'd really expected more out of you than this. I even justify it when you goaround pretending you don't beleive in God and you're somehow more enlightened than everyone else. I EVEN let it go when you come into our house and offend everyone in sight just because you think you're better than everyone else. I have NEVER met someone who treated her friends worse than you. Everyone around you is trying to help you and be nice to you and you're too caught up in your own agenda to realize it.
So thats it, I have to go so I can go watch the Beef Show At barry County. So if you want to hate me, resent me, whatever, just do it. Whatever gets you to sleep at night. But i'm not going to sit here and pretend like I haven't done my best to be friends with you. I guess if I'm going to have to worry about you being a complete jerk every time we're together I'll just have to stop being around when you are.
Immature...wow..immature is ignoring people when they talk to you, and holding a grudge when there's nothing to hold a grudge about. I seriously hope you're happy.
I'm not really expecting a repsonse because thats probably beneath you. I wouldn't want you to bring yourself down to my level.
-Jeff
Sent : Tuesday, July 19, 2005 2:26 AM
To : opie_won@hotmail.com, ahake1@hotmail.com
Subject : And so it is...
O-P, what's up?
I've been sitting here thinking for a long while about a little bit of everything, and this is what I've come up with that I think you should read...
My saying that I would be OK with never hanging out with Jeff again was harsher than it should have been. I just really don't enjoy being around him anymore, the reasons being numerous, and I will dive into those shortly. When you said our situations were total opposites, I disagreed whole-heartedly. We never really showed our friendship to people for what it was when it was good, and I still don't think that needs any kind of explanation to you people, but in any case he didn't ever used to brush me off like I am with him right now. That probably makes me a bad person, but that's for another discussion.
I'm fairly certain we've discussed it already, but I got too sick of hearing what a bad friend I was. All the time, it felt like. So in February, when he first told me pretty much that, I began resenting him. And thinking about all the times that I was a bad friend to every other person in my life so that I could be a good friend to him. But then I thought, this relationship is still worth it, we're really close, and I can talk to him about anything still, so we'll just go with it. Fast-forward to a couple months ago when I was having a hard time with life in general, I hadn't felt well in a long time, and I was not being a generally nice person. I emailed him to apologize and try to give an explanation for my attitude, and got a reply that was, in a nutshell, the following: I'm not as good a friend as you give me credit for. And as far as the MS goes, it sounds like life threw you some bad balls, and you have to learn to deal with it.
That email was followed the next day with another saying that I was a jerk (that night you came to Bennigan's with Tyler, Katie, Stevie and Alissa) and that he was mad at me for it. So then I just got angry. And realized that he really wasn't a good friend, and that was made especially obvious with the "just learn to deal with it" statement, and with those words, the resentment increased ten-fold. At least. So here I am today, at the realization that the last 3 years have taught me a lot, helped us both in many ways that we wouldn't have otherwise been exposed to, and given me a lot of insight into him, and human nature. But he and I are not on the same page right now, and it sucks more than I can explain to anyone, because I want the best friend that I thought I had back when, and I don't have anything like that now, and here I sit just plain confused. But he's made it abundantly clear that he doesn't have any interest in my life besides the surface shit that happens every day, and I have 300 people who want to hear about that. 300 people who are more mature than Jeff, and will give as well as recieve criticism without getting pissed off. And some of them even honestly want to know about all the things that are really happening in my life. And that's nice.
There's my stance. I do'nt know what I want right now, and it's really not that much to do with Jeff because I came to my conclusions about him a while ago, but since I haven't been with you all that much then it hasn't really had a chance to come out yet I guess. It's weird because when he and I are just by ourselves sometimes I act normal just because it feels nice to feel normal again. That also adds me to the Bad Person list, but what can you do?. ANd the combination of you 4 really does irritate the hell out of me lately, but I'm beginning to think it has a lot less to do with you, Geoff, and Alan, and a lot more to do with my resentment of Jeff, and how I feel about my life in general right now.
It sucks feeling like shit all the time, and though I'm feeling a bit better lately, I felt terrible for a long long time, and a lot more than I told anyone. And I hate not driving because of a disease that I really can't control, and though I finally feel like I might be getting some kind of handle on the whole thing, I'm still really confused, and still don't know where to start making choices. And on top of all of that, the entire idea of school, and GRCC for another year, and transferring someplace just boggles my mind.
And it's not that I like the Grand Rapids kids better than you guys. I just miss being around them all the time, and I didn't really see any of them for a couple of months, and now 2 of the ones that I was particularily close to are leaving at the end of the month, and it makes me sad. And now that I'm back with them, it seems like I'm more "accepted" by them. Which is weird, because I'm comfortable with all of you more than I am with them overall. But it's almost like...sometimes it's like everyone in our "group" is on a different page than anyone else, and everyone is just in a great deal of conflict. But externally, we're all well and good because all we talk about is silly shit that doesn't really matter. But around the people from work and such, we talk about things that do matter, because we're all just trying to find what we want. Does that make sense to you? It's a totally different world of people there, and I like having it around. But please don't take that to mean that I don't like you. Because I love you, too.
So thanks for reading my jibberish. ANd for letting me vent. And for at least trying to understand where I'm coming from. Call me if you're bored, and if I don't answer I'm probably at Downtown Friday's. Email me back if you have something to say; I'll probably check it at some point this week. I'm sorry that I've been so stressed out, and if I've been taking it out on you. I really haven't been meaning to. I've been trying really hard to not do that, but I don't know how good of a job I've been doing. Your input is appreciated...and I love you, Opie. Talk to you soon.
*Alesheia* "Time is never time at all...you can never, ever leave without leaving a piece of you...and our lives are forever changed, they will never be the same...the more you change, the less you feel." - Billy Corgan, "Tonight, Tonight", Smashing Pumpkins, Mellon Collie and the Infinite Sadness.
**************************************************************************************************
From : Jeff VanderBoon
Sent : Wednesday, July 20, 2005 8:20 AM
To : ahake1@hotmail.com
Subject : wow
Alright, I'm in a hurry, but I wanted to get this done so I'm just going to make it happen. So the other day I asked if something was wrong with Alesheia (post-movie @ gym). And apparently I'm the only one of the "group" that you don't like hanging out with, which is probably the most ridiculous thing i've ever heard. I honestly don't know what your problem is. All I've ever been is nice to you. Apparently, upon questioning Opie, you're still bitter that I didn't handle you having MS very well. Guess what? WHAT THE HECK WAS I SUPPOSED TO DO? What do you want me to give you a hug and magically make it go away? Do you want me to quit school and dedicate my life to finding a cure? Maybe I could just be willing to help you whenever you need it, and drive you around if you need it, or do anything else you ask me to....OH WAIT I ALREADY DO THAT.
This is so amazing. I'm sorry I don't go to your doctors' appointments with you. Do you expect me to just ignore school and work? I'm perfectly willing to help when I can, and i've learned a lot about MS, but I've pretty much learned that you don't care yourself. How am I supposed to help you when you refuse to acknowledge that somethis is wrong with you. ALL YOU CAN possibly do it make lifestyle changes, but you won't do it, because it's not fair. Well that kinda crap is going to happen, and you seem perfecttly happy to let it happen.
And while we're at it, I don't know when you started to think that you were superior to everyone else, but it's getting pretty old. I don't know where you get off calling eveyrone immature, but yknow what I think is immature? Pretending you don't have a disease when you do, and getting drunk and sitting around and complaining about it all the time. I think you really need to grow up and stop expecting other people to cater to your every whim.
Yknow, I'd really expected more out of you than this. I even justify it when you goaround pretending you don't beleive in God and you're somehow more enlightened than everyone else. I EVEN let it go when you come into our house and offend everyone in sight just because you think you're better than everyone else. I have NEVER met someone who treated her friends worse than you. Everyone around you is trying to help you and be nice to you and you're too caught up in your own agenda to realize it.
So thats it, I have to go so I can go watch the Beef Show At barry County. So if you want to hate me, resent me, whatever, just do it. Whatever gets you to sleep at night. But i'm not going to sit here and pretend like I haven't done my best to be friends with you. I guess if I'm going to have to worry about you being a complete jerk every time we're together I'll just have to stop being around when you are.
Immature...wow..immature is ignoring people when they talk to you, and holding a grudge when there's nothing to hold a grudge about. I seriously hope you're happy.
I'm not really expecting a repsonse because thats probably beneath you. I wouldn't want you to bring yourself down to my level.
-Jeff
posted by Alesheia @ 10:32 PM
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