So I have registered for school. Got this permit thing for driving. My parents bought me a car that will get me started with school I guess. Ben starts school tomorrow. I knew he started school tomorrow, but I didn't really think about it until about 5 minutes ago when I was talking to him on the phone and he was saying that he has class at 8am. And then I realized that I don't know when in the next week I am going to be able to go with him to do some of the things that I need to do, and need his help with. I wouldn't even write on this thing except I don't have any other form if diary right now, and I just need to write it someplace, and I would email it, but he doesn't need to care, so here it is. I was doing all right for awhile, I guess. Martin and Ellen read the previous post and talked with me about it, and I like knowing that they care. I knew that they cared. But it is so hard to open up to someone who already does so much for me. They don't need to hear about my petty problems, too. I called my mom at work, and she said she would come over after she went home post-work. She got out at 5:30, and at 8, I called the cell and left a voicemail saying that she was going to come, but she wasn't here yet, and it was important, so I needed to know if she was going to come or not. So then they pull up 2 minutes later, and I told them that I had called and left a voicemail, and then we talked for a few minutes and she tried to pull the "I'm trying to be a family" guilt-trip, and that pissed me off. So I walked away, and she announced that I was playing games, so I pointed out that she was the one who just tried to make me feel badly about being a family, so she probably shouldn't accuse me of playing games, and I walked into the house, then they pulled away. 10 minutes later, she calls to get on my case about the voicemail that I had left and how I had no right to be annoyed that she didn't get there until after 8, because I had known she was going to go home first. I'm sorry that by "home" I thought she had meant a 10 minute stop, not a 2-hour one, and when I left the voicemail I was asking if she was still planning on stopping or what, because it was important. So for 20 minutes she went on about how I need to work with her more, and she's trying to help me, and she's not mad at me, and blah blah blah...I hate when people tell me that "life only gets harder". Shut up. "Things just get worse, and you just get more to deal with." Who makes it bad? Life will only be as bad as you let it be, so instead of setting kids my age up for miserable adulthood by telling them that things will only get worse, make sure they know that they can make it good. I can make my life good, and I will. I just need to get it started. They got me that car, but what was the point? I can't drive it yet for a number of reasons, one of which is in my control, and several others which aren't, and that is so annoying. I hate being dependant on other people, and I constantly am now, and I just feel this burning desire to hit things all of the time, and it is so aggravating. She said that she always cares, and she's sorry if I don't always feel like it. Then why does she always have time to go for days at a time visiting dad when I had to work, or wanted to do things? And why is she leaving for over a week when I have books to get, a test to take, and a approaching-desperate car situation to figure out? "Care" isn't a good word, sure they care, but I don't feel like a priority. To which I get told I'm being selfish. "There are other people to think about to - maybe not for you, but for some of us." I'm sorry that I'm so self-centered. I don't feel that conceited right now. I have been making it a point for a while now to put other people before me as often as I can. I don't like doing things just for me, I like making things easier for other people. It is so hard to be doing something, and wanting to be good at it more than anything else, and instead of getting praised for it, you just get criticism from people who's opinion matter to you. It is very dejecting when I try to be there for all of my friends and people that I like a lot, and then get told that I'm being selfish. It's like an icy dagger through my heart. Not that devil with no feelings has a heart. I just get so frustrated with them! I think they are bothered that I don't like to be at home, but I hate it there. I love her and dad, and Kallen and Abe, but I hate that it is torn apart still, and the constant noise, and being cut off from everything. And I am not angry at them for that, and I'm not staying at the Viponds as punishment, like I think they think I am, I just like it better here. I like that Martin and Ellen are always around in the evenings, and I love being around Opie all of the time, and being in town, and being able to talk to people. And I don't have to hear video games constantly, and fighting. "It just so happened that the few times you have been home at night in the last 8 months were often nights that we argued" - and I'm sure that you never argued when I wasn't there, either. I'm sorry that it is so selfish of me to hate hearing you scream at each other, and swear, and call each other names, and that I could slap both of you when you do that, and I would like nothing more than to have both of you disappear until you can shut up about it. And get over it. I'm sorry that I am so immature, and don't know anything because I'm only 18 and haven't had to deal with the real world yet, and that I haven't yet realized how sucky life will really be one day. Maybe the world isn't out to get me, and maybe I have had to deal with more than you realize, or can at least understand it. My life hasnt' been awful, but I don't think that it has been particularily breezy either, and maybe I don't need to just get told that I'm being selfish and childish, and instead get a perspective other than "the world is horrible and it owes me". My life is not going to be something that I hate. I will not be unhappy for the rest of my life. The world is not an awful place that is out to get me, it is a huge expanse of people to meet and things to learn that I can use to create what I want. And tell me again that having to deal with some of the things I have had to is full of splendor. I'm not complaining - I am the sum total of all of my life experiences, and wouldn't give any of them back if for no other reason than the fact that they make me more aware of others - but having gone through them, I know that it hasn't been easy. It still isn't easy, and I still have a long ways to go before things will be good. I just will have to keep writing on this to feel better.