It's funny how cliches fit life so well..."time flies" they say. Yep, it does. Where does 3 months go? Well, I can tell you what it goes into. Failing classes, feeling alone, and wanting something so badly but not knowing what. I don't really want to blame my being worthless on multiple sclerosis...I mean, I was falling behind before this medical stuff. But it made everything that much harder. I am incapable of explaining to people - nor do I wish to try - how inconcievably difficult it is to be happy. Just thinking it makes me realize how selfish I am...I have been striving to not be selfish for so long, and it seems that the harder I try, the more I am. The last three months I have been thinking about nothing but myself, and it kills me. I hate it. I don't want to think about me, but I have to...it's like a burning need inside of me. There are so many things that are uncertain for me, and I thrive on organization and planning. Ah yes, and independence. Which, by the way, I have none right now. I have it in the sense of being able to come and go as I please, and things like that...but in order to do the coming and going, I am entirely dependent upon other people. My healthcare depends on other people. My mental stability fully depends on other people sometimes. Sweet Alesheia. For someone who's worst fear is becoming a burden, I'm well on my way. I came to the realization a few weeks ago that no matter what I do, I am now a burden to everyone involved with me for the rest of my life...do you realize what this means? I am going to be alone for the rest of my life. I've joked about that in the past, but it's just one of those "joking" things...I never actually thought that it would be for real. I don't want to be alone my whole life...but alienation is now just a part of my life, I think. I'm still pushing people away. Not entirely intentionally...there are a couple of people that I would like to have close to me, I think. But one of them has apparently decided that I'm not worth trusting or something, so part of that relationship has turned superficial. Not the whole thing...but I don't feel that 100% is being put out there, so I'm not being as open anymore. I hate not being met halfway. Well, I lie. I don't mind not being met halfway, but I hate being told that you're going to be met halfway...and then not. Wow...it makes me more mad just to think about it. Huh. Then the other person that would be desireable to be close to...well, yeah. Same ol', same ol'. One sided love, I think. Haha, "love." Such a cute idea. Does it exist? I don't think so. Personal opinion, but hey...while I'm being selfish I will just say that I'm right. Love can't exist, in any form. I used to think it was just an emotion that mortals couldn't comprehend...but now that I question the existance of any higher power, I suppose I have to say that
"love", as an emotion, is b.s. Anyway, unimportant. Love is irrelevant to the rest of this business. I am a bit thrown off. I had an appointment today with the neurologist...discussed a little medical crap, got another generic examination. Came to zero conclusions about anything, though. I was supposed to ask questions, but really...what do they want me to say? "Can you fix it?" "No." "All right, we're done here." Instead I had to feign interest and use a cheat sheet (called the friend's mom en route to the appointment and got questions from her). All that was determined was that I'm better now (as I have been for a month, and "better" is only physically in this case), and that I have to get another MRI sometime next month, pending the insurance will cover it. I really have a distaste for medicine. So it's cool that I'm going into that. You know what else is cool? When you feel hopeless and helpless for so long that it becomes normal. The little constricting wire around my heart hasn't gone away for quite some time..."Something's Missing"...good song. I liked it before I realized that it's pretty much me right now. But in it he says something about how his friends are all there for him, and that is what makes it harder in some ways. I don't know...I don't want to say that they're not there for me...but the novelty of disease is gone, for sure. This might just be me and my quest for lack of dependency, but I can not think of one person that I feel comfortable talking to about this thing anymore. I just figure that it's old news to them, and that they got sick of hearing it back in October. I would love to talk about something with someone...but I've got nothin'. Good practice though, I suppose...why become dependent on someone now, when I'm just going to distance later? Who wants attatchment, right? I couldn't wait for this semester to get over; I just felt like I needed the break so badly. A part of me likes the time off, but all it's doing so far is creating a lot of open space that I can't fill due to lack of money and all other things. Okay, so now that I'm a broken record and just keep complaining, I'm gone.