Don't know exactly what has happened tonight. Or in the last week, for that matter. Christmas was...family-filled. It's annoying to me that my parents can't seem to enjoy a holiday without alcohol, but I guess it's not my problem. However, they should never wonder why I hate being with them for more than 3 minutes, and why I don't have any desire to live with them. They came to Christmas Eve with alcohol in their systems, left with more of it, and refilled for Christmas Day where mom decided to use the one word I truly can not stand in excess, and dad got excessively emotional as he does when he's inebriated. It was wonderful. So I left as soon as I could. I suppose I am angry that this is supposed to be a happy time of year, with much festivus and instead I am angry and miserable because I am so unsettled with my life right now. I should be angry with the things I can change and just let the ones happen that I can't...but thats not how I work. I don't know what all is getting me down. Well, I know it I guess. I want school to come easier for me. It used to...then social things became much more important, and they still are...and now I'm dying in the scholastic area. And I feel as though I need something to just...unload everything on. But none of my friends deserve that, and I know there are a couple who would listen if I just asked them to, but I can't...then I just get mean when everything builds up. And I feel supremely dumb when I complain about MS-related things...I feel as though I should be over that by now, you know? I've had 3 months to get over it. On the flip-side, it's forever for me. When the friends I have now have forgotten about me and have moved on, I will still have MS and still be this basketcase of idiocy, unable to deal with myself. I have been trying to get back on solid ground while I'm on break from school right now...while I have the time to think clearly and get some composure. Trying to become that rock that everyone can come to if they need it, instead of that girl that needs everyone else for every little thing that comes her way. But I think I'm appearing to others as that messed-up, immature, unstable kid who needs to learn to deal with the curveballs thrown to her. It's not like I'm not getting the signals, you know? I crave independence right now. I need to be free so badly. To have my own car, my own place, and just be out without having to answer to people, or feeling like I have to. I don't want to be a burden to Martin and Ellen anymore, and I have tired of feeling as though I am in the way all of the time. I am frustrated with feeling as though I have to explain my feelings to people, when I don't know how to explain them to myself. I don't know what my religious beliefs are anymore...I just don't know. I want to be one of those people who can be stronger in her faith, and put her entire being into God and His will...but I can't. I don't know how confident I am in God anymore. How can people say He is all-loving when so many things happen with no explanation or reason? To turn the entire thing into a selfish pity-me fest, when I was told I had MS, I never felt more alone in my life. I stopped feeling as though I could fully rely on my parents a long time ago, and the diagnosis did not much change that - they had their own feelings about it to deal with. Don't get me wrong, I still went to mom a couple of times and talked...but I can't expect her to understand exactly what I'm feeling. I can't begin to explain it, anyway. Tyler took hold and became my number one support beam for awhile...he looked it up, shared information, was just there. Everyone was "there"...but what could I do? Some of my friends were upset about it themselves, they didn't need me complaining about it to them...and I shed far too many tears in front of other people for my own comfort. In about 7 hours, I went from being wavering-as-it-is rock, to the leaner. And the leaner is not a position that I am comfortable in; I wasn't before that day (as I was becoming one anyway) and I still wasn't afterwards. So I tried to bottle everything and get through the semester...failed a class, had a prof. take mercy on me so that I didn't fail another, and got by in my other 2. Sweet GPA now, p.s. Well now the semester is over, and the only thing I've accomplished is a little more desperation as my date of independence draws closer, but the means to be independent are no more clear, and I have no better understanding of what this illness is going to do. I have another MRI later today, and then I imagine another neurology appointment will follow, where I will still not to want to start medicine, still not know what to so about all of this holistic treatment business, and still feel like I'm not ready to make this decision for myself. But for now, being annoyingly complaint-filled on this blog isn't helping anything, so I will go.