So how has it been going? I don't really know what's going on here lately...I feel like..okay, I don't know. I'm not sure where to start, I guess. I'm sorry if I have been less than good towards you the last few weeks. I feel like things haven't been quite right, and I'm not sure since when, or totally why...just that they haven't been what I want them to be. And I'm not sure how to go about fixing it, or if anything really needs any fixing. I've been struggling as far as maintaining happiness, and it seems like I'm that person that is in a perpetual state of unhappiness that you dislike so much. I remember you saying (in a survey or something) that your least favorite thing was people who are never happy...and I think about that a lot, and feel like I'm being the person that you don't like. And I'm not sure how to change that, or how you even feel about it. I don't know what is going on right now, I just know that I'm not healthy, and I'm at a loss as to how to fix anything. I'm so torn because what seems logical is to just make all of the doctors appointments that I need, and to stop eating anything but the utmost of health food, but then when I break it down into the underlying factors, all I can see is the bad: I don't want to take any more steroids, whether they're in drip form or pills. And I am so in debt right now that I can't imagine racking up any more medical bills. My parents won't (can't) pay for anything, though they just seem to assume that I can just pay for everything later. But my credit is so screwed up from the last time they decided to pay later that I'm afraid to even call to make appointments because I don't want to have even more copays and stuff over my head. I know that you think that is retarded, so I don't know if you see where I'm coming from, but it's a big problem for me. And every doctor that I talk to is going to tell me to go on a medication, and I don't want to. Those things are so hard on your body, and I don't want to be having strokes when I'm 30, and I don't want to require IV's or injections...again, you think this is a pointless argument with myself, but it's not. Not to me anyway. If I don't go on something, there are 100+ sources telling me that this MS is going to get significantly worse in the next 5-8 years. If not sooner...my "worse" could be coming within 4, if I really could have been diagnosed when I was 14.

And I'm so angry still. When I think about it...I'm so bitter. And I don't know how to get past it. Instead of wanting to just take care of it, I stew over it and try to point a finger. And since I can't do that, I take it out on people by being angry. It's not that I do'nt want to take care of it, it's that I don't know where to begin. If I just picked a spot and went from there - even if I had to backtrack - I think I'd be OK...but it's so big. It's such a huge problem for me, and I feel like I'm required to figure it out myself, because no one else really wants to be there for it. Does that make sense? People are there, but I'm back to not wanting to depend on anyone, even though I need to. Do I need to? Because then there are the unfair questions...like, do YOU want to be that person? Does anybody else that I'm close to? I've been thinking a lot about these types of things lately, and it's showing. Pretty badly, based on my demeanor. I can't even think of the last night that I didn't fall asleep thinking about all of this...and ever since all of the difficulty we had in February, I just have been feeling like either 1) something is unresolved, or 2) I've been thinking differently than before. And I think it's both. And probably you are thinking differently, too. This whole thing is probably just rehashing what should be over and done with, but here it is.

So I guess, if I was going to sum everything up, I am sorry if I've been that person. I genuinely want to be a good friend to you, and I haven't been really, and I know that you've noticed as much, even if you haven't been getting worked up about it. Thank you for not getting upset with me, or at least not outwardly upset. I love you a lot. And I'm sorry that I tensed up and pushed you away when you tried to hug me last week; there have been a thousand times in the last 3 months when I would have given an arm to hug you (your hugs make me happy on the inside), but I didn't because you'd said that they were for special occassions, and I never wanted to push the envelope. It meant a lot that I hadn't been the only one to notice that it had been a long time, and I regret missing the chance...