Okay, I've known for a lot more than 17 hours at this point, I've known for a good 2 weeks and a day or something, but it's not any easier. I have been sleeping less, stressing more, and becoming increasingly desperate for answers that will never come. Odd feeling. Shannon said tonight that I might feel like I'm in a tidal wave. She's close. I'm thinking that or a choppy ocean where you don't know what to expect. I can hear people, but I can't see any of them, and I'm blindly flailing, trying to find something to hold onto that is stable and there isn't anything. I can't see them, and I can't feel them...but I can hear things saying they will be. And I want to believe them, but the longer I go without finding it, the more distant the voices are. It is so unbelievably difficult for me to let myself admit that I'm growing apart from my friends. I don't even know why. They want to help me I think...but it's like none of us knows what to do. I don't know how to let them in, and they don't know how to get in, many more than likely don't want to get in, but they have to say they do to seem like good people. I have a lot of faith in people. It hurts to see my friends suffering because of this. I feel so angry, confused, terrified, hopeless, alone. There are people everywhere and I am in a glass box in the midst of it all, trying to scream even though I know nobody can hear me, only few can see me doing it, and I can hear everything they're saying even if it doesn't make sense. Shannon speculated that I don't know how to let love in. She's right. I've had this discussion since before sickness was even an issue. Except now we're talking God-love as well as people-love. And that opens an entire new can of worms. I don't know how to listen to God, I hate being one of those people that asks "why?" What the heck, who I am I to think that God owes me an explanation for some of the off-beat things He does? I keep waiting to hear him like other people claim they do, but I still dont' have anything. I can recall other times in my life where I've been emotionally anguished and I've asked God to speak to me. He never did that I could tell. Though I am hesitant to say that this is the worst emotional state I have ever been in, this must be close...and I am so deperate to have God talk to me, and maybe give me that something to hold on to that I feel like I need so badly...and still I'm getting nothing. Is He talking to me and I can't hear? Or can't tell? It's also odd...before, when I was having tough times, I didn't like to go to other people for help with things, but I always could. Now, even if wanted the help and was willing to ask for it, what can people give me? I'm trying to wipe emotional-stability off of my Needed List; things seem to run more smoothly in my life when I take emotion out of them, so I'm going to try to revert back to that perhaps. Not healthy for my psyche, but that is one of my lesser worries for the next few months. "I'm supposed to cry" they say. Where is that going to get me? I've done an awful lot of crying in the last few hours, and all I feel right now is emotionally exhausted, with more to think about. Talking with Shannon, as well as having Manda and LeeAnn there, will help me. It has helped already, but it will help more once I can put some of the things they said into my Life Description. I was defintely ready to go to bed 5 hours ago, and here I am...trying to organize thoughts that don't make any sense. I know my friends are trying to help...they want to be there. I guess I just feel like they can't. Nobody, nothing can help. I don't want them to care - I understand that they do, and anything I do or say won't change that, but I wish they wouldn't put themselves through it. It's bad enough that I'm struggling through this...I would be their emotional anchor if this was happening to one of our other friends. That is how I feel anyway. Perhaps I give myself more credit than I deserve for being the structural support for my friends. Maybe I never gave them anything but a whole lot of extra crap to deal with. That would kill me. This kills me. It is so hard to feel happy right now; a combination of the tiredness with wanting answers that I cannot obtain. That has always displeased me, but it's never before been to such a serious extent. I am tired.