[ Fri Jul 18, 01:35:59 AM | Alesheia Hake | edit ](original post-date)
(This isn't a rant about anything, except what has been causing me a lot of turmoil...it's not interesting, so feel free to not read it. It just made me feel better to write it...)

Hi. I'm pretty tired and drained, but I felt like emailing you, so I don't really know what I'm going to say or what...hi. I had lunch with my mom. It was all right, I guess spending the time with her was worth it, but I got nothing accomplished. I wanted to talk to her about this fall, and school, and life...and I got nothing. She didn't really want to hear it...every time I would try to bring anything up, she would sort of twist to something else. Why did she do that? I need to talk to someone about that, I can't handle dealing with everything on my own, and I don't know who can help me, and it is so frustrating. She's never there anymore, and I know I'm not either, but even when I was, she wasn't. Even if she was there, she wasn't really there, you know? I don't know how to deal with her problems and still work with everything I have to, I can't. And Ben. He's supposed to be helping me, and he's never there, and he never calls me back, and he's supposed to be my best friend, and he keeps saying he's going to help me, and I need him to, and whenever I do talk to him, it's not time enough to get anything accomplished, and I never know how to bring up whatever it is I want to talk about...I don't even know why I'm telling you this, you really probably don't care. Well you care, I think. But you sure don't need to hear it. I'm sorry...I guess I just figure you'll read it, and know...because I want you to. I guess. I am so scared for this fall. I have no idea what to do, I know I told you that once, I don't know where to start. I know where I need to, but I don't know how...I am so confused, and I keep trying to ignore everything because if I don't have to think about it, it doesn't seem so hopeless. I'm sorry I'm saying all of this...

I graduated 2 months ago. I was supposed to have my life figured out already. I do, if you ask most people. I thought I did. Until May, I had the same life plan for 13 years. It's funny how, when you think you don't depend on other people, you all of a sudden realize that you need them. But you don't know how to get someone to help. I can't ask for help with real things. I hate asking for help with stupid, little things, so asking for help figuring out college, and finances...are you kidding me? Who can I talk to? Oh, Ben, right? Right...when he calls me back. When we're not at a party at 4am. When he's not at work. When I know how to say whatever it is that I need to say. But he doesn't, we are a lot, he is a lot, and I don't. I don't know what to say to anybody. That is why the entire paragraph before this was an email that I realized I couldn't send because he doesn't need to hear it. It's not anyone else's problem, it's mine. I understand that. I just don't know how to do it. Where do I start? "At the beginning" - WHERE IS THAT!? I don't know how to get there, or who to go to so that I can...I just want to hit someone, or kill something...sometimes I have to cough do that I don't start some out-of-control crying spurt that all of a sudden wells up out of nowhere. I can't talk to my mom anymore. She just doesn't want to hear about that...and I don't really want to talk about it. Maybe that's my problem, I can't talk about it. The opportunities are there, and I'm not seizing them. But I won't talk to people if certain conditions aren't met, and they aren't very often anymore. There are only 3 people that I really even want to talk about this with, and I can't, to any of them. They don't want to hear it, and don't need to. I'm such an inconsistent person.

(There was a crap-ton more, and I lost is somewhere in the transfer...)