This is the view on a motorcycle drive-by...

I finished my Life Soundtrack, and I'm not sure if I posted it, so here goes...

Mae - Summertime
Keane - Is It Any Wonder?
Anberlin - Never Take Friendship Personal
Goo Goo Dolls - What A Scene
Fuel - Bad Day
Motion City Soundtrack - L.G. FUAD
Snow Patrol - Hands Open
Bloc Party - Storm & Stress
Deathcab for Cutie - Summer Skin
Aqualung - Easier to Lie
Augustana - Sunday Best
Stroke 9 - Tail of the Sun
Tegan and Sara - Where Does the Good Go?
The Format - On Your Porch
Dashboard Confessional - A Plain Morning
Mark Joseph - Get Through
Josh Rouse - Sad Eyes
Ben Harper - Walk Away
Third Eye Blind - Motorcycle Drive-By
Mat Kearney - Where We Gonna Go From Here?

It's a great mix, I feel like. I want to learn that Ben Harper song for Open Mic. I started this blog with a lot of thoughts swimming in my head, but now I don't know where I was going with all of it...

Lauren got mugged and sexually assaulted on Thursday night. She was walking by herself from Taps to Z's and was in between the Comerica and National City buildings, where we all always walk all the time by ourselves when we're in uniform, and a black guy about her size with glasses jumped out from all this construction crap that is there right now, knocked her to the ground, started strangling here and sticking his fingers down her throat and between her legs and all that. She started hitting him in the head and trying to scream, and when he took his hands out of her mouth she told him she had money and he could have it, so he kind of got off of her, she reached for her purse and got out her wallet, and 2 girls came running up from Monroe because they had heard her screaming and the guy grabbed her wallet and took off with it. So she and the girls ran into Z's and Holly was working, they called the cops, who ended up finding her wallet (he must have chucked it once he took the money out, thank God, so he doesn't know where she lives). Anyway, she's all right. She went to the doctor and a clinic to get everything checked out on Friday and had a therapy appointment today. I haven't talked to her about that yet, but I've talked to her about some of the stuff from that night. She's doing well for the circumstances, but it's just a terrible situation. Ben gave me pepper spray for my key chain, and we're all being a lot more careful at work now so that we're not walking out by ourselves. As Lauren said, thank God she wasn't any smaller or she would have gotten hurt much worse than she was. It was just the week before that, that the managers were all saying how we weren't allowed to come into or out of work in our uniforms partly because of the safety issue. Wouldn't you figure. It freaks me the hell out. Thankfully Lauren is okay. She wasn't even in uniform, she was in plain clothes. Ugh.

I don't remember what I did on Friday, but I ended up at Ben's house...I didn't work that late. I think I came back to Ben's, took a shower, and went back downtown to Z's and hung out with Kim & Cory for the night. Producer Joe showed up after awhile, and he's always a good time. Oooh, that's the night we all went to Squirrels house at 3am. Yes. Jake, Ashleigh, Squirrel and I hung out on his porch while they drank the High Life in a 24oz. can, and took pulls off a pint of R&R whiskey. Yuck. Got back to Ben's at 6am.

Saturday night I closed at work.

Sunday night I was supposed to work in the morning, and had 2 alarms set. The first one went off, and I'm always in a weird state of half-consciousness until the 2nd one goes off, and I must have looked at my phone and seen that Brooke had called me from Friday's because I dreamed/imagined that I'd called her back and she'd told me that she didn't need me to come in. When in fact I had NOT called her back, nor had she told me not to come in. So I woke up at 11:40 to 2 missed calls (from Lauren & Julie) and an instant sinking feeling in my chest. Called Brooke, ended up going in to do some things for Bar Champs which was Monday, and expo'd/did dishes for a couple hours. Cassidy came out to meet Andrea. I made a few things for bar champs. Then Cassidy, Tony, Lauren & I went to Uccello's. I picked Lauren up on my way there because we'd talked earlier about going to Z's and she hadn't wanted to stay out that late so she came to see Ben instead. In 45 minutes each had a drink (I had an Absolut peach madras, Lauren had a beer), and 2 shots: Coop's Bar Cider, which has Jack, apple Pucker, sour, vodka I think, and something else. And mint chocolate chip ice cream, which has Rumple, Kahlua, creme de cocao, and cream. After a good buzz, Lauren came with me to Ben's to let Rumple the Puppy out and we each had a beer, a cocktail I made out of Starbuck's coffee liquor, Bailey's, Grey Goose, and cream, and a half a glass of Mirassou Pinot Noir because Lauren had never tried it before and we have it at work. That happened in, tops, an hour. Then we decided we needed to get a pitcher at Z's for last call (they close at 1 on Sundays). Then I decided it was a good idea to come through on my promise to Andy to come back and see him, so after driving Lauren home and coming back to Fridays and having a very skewed sense of time, Andy came with me to get gas. Then I had to wizz when we got to his house, so I ended up being there until 4am sitting on his porch and talking while my drunk ass sobered. I felt bad about that, to say the least.

Decorated for Bar Champs on Monday afternoon and then met all of the Kentwood kids at Uccello's to caravan to Tye's parents house for The Great-American Grill-Out. Ben & Tye competed for the title of Grill Master. They each did a pork loin, burgers, Ben grilled duck and Tye grilled tuna. He made a tuna sashimi that was quite tasty, and Ben's duck breast was quite flavorful. He used it to accent a salad for everyone. We all left Tye's parents around midnight and relocated the party to Tye's place just off of 28th St. Ben left around 2 and I didn't realize that I'd left my keys in his car so I couldn't leave Tye's until he got back. So at 3:30 I'd given up hope for his coming back that night and settled in with Tye and Gen and had my first drink of the night. By 5am when we'd polished off a bottle of ice wine, and over a bottle of a couple dry reds I was a little drunk and laughing a lot at Tye. Gen and I created "Peeber" and "Peeberina"; faces we made on Tye's kitchen window by pressing peanut butter from the middle of peanut butter Ritz crackers on the glass. Then Gen used sour cream to make hair on Peeberina, and the night was set. I woke up at 10:30 this morning to Ben calling to see if Tye and I were still there. I went in and told Tye that Ben was there, and he was like, "I need a few minutes". He came out and was like, "I'm feeling all right" which meant he was still drunk...seeing as he drank for 12 hours straight. It was a good time, though. I love that kid.

I figured out if I make $500 every week for the next 5 weeks I'll be in okay shape. Yikes.

...

Instead of us growing up and going in the same direction, we're growing up and I'm veering off on my own path.

When did that happen?

It makes my heart hurt.

Crash victim loved family, motorcycle rides
Friday, August 18, 2006
By Ken Kolker
The Grand Rapids Press
GRAND RAPIDS TOWNSHIP -- Herbert Pett and his son rode motorcycles together in a bikers' hunger rally and often spent weekends riding along the Lake Michigan shoreline.

On Thursday, the 51-year-old Lowell man was killed when a station wagon pulled in front of his Harley Davidson. Pett was thrown from his cycle in the crash at Crahen Avenue and Bradford Street NE, Kent County sheriff's deputies said.

"He loved his bike," said his son, Nathan. "It was something he loved to do."

The driver of the station wagon, 73-year-old David C. Wolford, was headed north on Crahen about 12:50 p.m. when he pulled over in the intersection to let an ambulance pass, deputies said. He then made a quick left turn to go west on Bradford, pulling into the path of the northbound motorcycle, according to deputies. The cycle hit the car broadside.

Pett worked for 26 years at Alticor Inc. in Ada Township, where he was a third-shift set-up mechanic in the cosmetics facility, said his son, who also works there. "Everyone there knew me as Herb's son," Nathan Pett said.

He was a hard-working family man who loved spending time with his grandchildren, his son said.

At the time of the crash, he was headed to his second job selling cell phones at Basic Communications, 2751 Alpine Ave. NW, his son said.

"He was the kind of guy who always had to be busy," he said.

Among his survivors are his children, Nathan, Christopher, Thomas and Melissa. Services were pending.

I think my heart hurts for several reasons, but I think this might be one of the bigger current ones. I wonder how Tommy's doing, and wish I could make the pain go away for him. It's funny how human nature always wishes to make the pain go away. Not funny; interesting.

I woke up today with a sad heart. It was sad yesterday too, but I figured out it was because I had a foot-in-mouth problem the night before with Andy and I felt badly about it. I guess my heart has been sad for several months if I look back and think about it, but who knows. It's been strong in the last few days. Seeing Geoff on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday helped but when I don't know what hurts, he can only do so much. Laughter only fixes so much.

I've got to find my phone. I left it at Ben's when I went to work this morning and still have to locate it. Apparently Thao left me another voicemail; at least according to her triple wall posting on facebook that I just got. So I'm looking forward to hearing that. She had to have read my last post, so she'll probably see this one too. Good times.

A bit feverish today, and can't walk as well as I'd like to. I'm hoping that it passes...I definitely can not afford to take time off of work right now. I'm in debt past my ears and the last 3 weeks have been especially unfruitful at Friday's Downtown. Thank God that money season is almost here. I'm almost over having to take another semester off, only because by the end of it I won't owe anybody any money, Ben will possibly know what he'll be doing, I will have advanced my personal self-analysis and made the appropriate changes in order to satiate my desire for intrinsic happiness, Cassidy will be in the immediate vicinity, and I'll be able to walk normally. At the very least.

When did life become more than finding someone to play Barbies with? And why do we feel the need to make it that way? That's not to say your adult life should be spent living at home and getting toys, but why does your job, and school, and dealing with other people have to be time consuming, stressful, and usually full of drama? When I've consciously thought about it reducing the amount of mental energy used on nonsense in my life, it's remarkably easy to do. Drama is not at all hard to avoid as long as you keep yourself out of it, and are self-aware enough to know where it's going to be before it progresses from the roots. Some people feed off of drama, possibly because it makes them feel purposeful to concern themselves with everyone else. I find myself happier when I'm feeding off of knowledge and observation, and getting into other people's lives only to learn from them. Sometimes in order to learn I've had to include drama, but even then it's drama that is easy enough to get out of. ...I'm not sure if that made sense.

I'm tired and have to take out some trash and find my phone, and figure out why Rumple threw up everything he just ate.

It's sad, really...

I feel sad in my heart that Karen considers Thao such a close friend. She's a horrible person, (as far as I can see) a worse friend, and a presumptuous bitch. Here is what she posted on my facebook wall (yes, my facebook wall...because we're still in junior high, apparently):

you owe us $525 for rent.

you owe me $50 for electricity.

you need to move your crap out before the end of august or we will sell it.

i don't have a problem coming down to fridays everyday where you're supposed to be in florida to take your tips.

one week- contact karen, ann, or myself

Really, a facebook wall post? She left me a voicemail too, but I'm not sure if it was before or after the post. All I can say is...wow.

I think it's done...

The Academy Is... - Attention
Snow Patrol - Chasing Cars
Vertical Horizon - Everything You Want
Plain White T's - All That We Needed
Semisonic - Secret Smile
Dashboard Confessional - Hands Down (from the For You to Notice EP)
Copeland - Coffee (acoustic)
Jason Mraz - Clockwatching
Dave Matthews Band - Crush
Guster - Careful
Howie Day - Buzzing
The All-American Rejects - I'm Waiting
Hot Hot Heat - Middle of Nowhere
Bloc Party - This Modern Love
Cute Is What We Aim For - Risque
Motion City Soundtrack - Make Out Kids
Britney Spears - Toxic
Cartel - Honestly
Ronnie Day - Falling For You
The Flys - Got You Where I Want You

Thing is, it insinuates much stronger feelings than I have. Sometimes when I think about it I figure it's OK because he'll take it as the semi-joke that it is. Other times I feel like he'll be like...whoa. So I might just have to preface this with "P.S., don't take it too seriously. It will be OK; I always worry too much.

I did dishes for 3 hours tonight after I got cut. It was good, though. I didn't have anything else to do, they needed it, and I like being back there by myself. It's kind of soothing/relaxing. Plus I've discovered how to make delicious coffee drinks and I was a little wired. For a little while there, I didn't even feel that shitty, which had been the case most of the day.

I woke up with a bit of a headache and feeling a bit flu-ish. I wonder if my medicine got messed up by how hot its been getting in my car. And I wonder if that's why I've been feeling so gross lately. I just don't know; since I've never taken my medicine through this change-of-seasons-exaserbation-business, I don't know if it's just normal medicine effects paired with that, or if somethings funny with the medicine. Ugh. I think about these questions a lot. I feel like I can't voice them to people anymore; they're over hearing about MS. It's funny being on the other side of that coin - the side that never gets to forget about something. It was almost 3 years ago that I was diagnosed, and I remember thinking within 6 months that all of my friends were kind of over it. Which is fine, they shouldn't have to worry about it you know? But here I am, 3 years later, and now I just feel like I'm an inconvenience to people around me, and I feel like I'm talking about shit nobody wants to hear about.

On that note a bit, I have thought a lot tonight (during my solitary dish confinement) about how aloof and alone I have been lately. This came up when I was starting to do dishes and I thought, "I'd might as well; I don't have any other plans tonight". And when I was thinking of who I could have called to do something, I realized that nobody crossed my mind. The Lake O Kids are all...in Lake O. And I don't really randomly call work people. I figured that I would do something with Andy when he got out, but forgot he had to work in the morning until awhile later. I already knew that Liv was out of commission because she has to be somewhere kind of early tomorrow. ...and other than that...Ben was at work. Andrea and Carly are out of town. That sums up my list of people I might spend time outside of work with.

I was telling Jake tonight that I try to maintain a relatively large degree of emotion unattatchment with most people. And I wasn't lying. The emptiness in my gut hurts me a little though.

Is it any wonder?

I'm working on 2 CD's right now. One, a life soundtrack. Which has been months in the making it seems, and I'm having fun thinking of things to put on it. 2, a CD that I promised Andy before I thought...I think I like this guy. So I'm kind of having fun this one, too. Because originally it was supposed to be songs that made me think of him (back when "Love Shack" would come on at Friday's and he'd say it was his song to me). I heart music so I'm enjoying digging through some archives, but I also have to keep in mind that I don't want him to take it too seriously, and under no circumstances can I have a good time titling it, because it can't be laying around his house with "Songs That Make Me Think Of You" written on it. That would go over well, I'm sure. I'm really tired though, I will tell you that. And I saw that I put the same title for my last post, and my post from July 22. Silly me.

Stop saying goodbye...

I need to look up concerts that are happening. Tye said something about going to see Snow Patrol in September in Chicago, and John Mayer is with Sheryl Crow (with Mat Kearney opening!) also in September in Detroit...now all I need is money.

Florida bombed. A bit annoying but I'll live, and now I have a much better idea about how I need to prepare for Passport Friday's events and whatnot. But since it only lasted less than a week, now I'm negative money instead of the expected surplus, and I still need to get away.

Friday's still sucks and I hate it. I hate how they don't worry about any of the things that they should be, that they do worry about stupid shit that doesn't matter, and that everything is drama.

I'm trying to remain neutrally uncaring about Andy. I make all kinds of comments like I'm not neutral, but in all honesty I'm fighting those chemical reactions (referred to as "emotions") sometimes. In order to stay neutral. Because it's not good to like him. I don't want to like him; I hate getting burned. Not burned...I hate letting myself feel for someone (especially when I shouldn't feel) and then expectedly getting disappointed. I hate feeling disappointed. Even when I know it's coming. Girlfriends...ugh. Wanting a boy with a girlfriend...ugh. Not even knowing why I want said boy...what the heck?

I've had a horrible sick feeling in my stomach for two days. I've got to stop holding onto people. The people from my past that I just need to let go of in my head and my heart...I've just got to let go of them. I'm holding them in, and needing them still, and then something happens that shows me they don't need/want me anymore, and it makes me sad. Because I never see it coming. I'm not sure how to react to this realization. I might just begin separating myself from the people that I'm fairly sure don't want me around anymore, and then it will be mutual drifting. I don't know. It's an idea that I've just recently had and I haven't given it proper thought. I probably never will, but now that I have been made conscious of it, I'll better know how to react to later situations.

Andrea and I have found two places we like, and Cassidy is down with whatever. I really like this place on Lafeyette that Andrea and I looked at yesterday, so hopefully that will work out for us. There was a place on Portsmouth that I looked like, but the landlord said that a couple of other guys who were looking at it just before me seemed pretty serious about it, so we're not getting our hopes up.

That's all I've got.