I'm really annoyed right now so I'm going to vent on this rather than say something that I don't mean. I saw Jeff twice last week, once at Opie's (a group of us were playing Catchphrase) and again the other night at Sarah's house (a slightly different group was watching Wedding Crashers and playing Risk). On the way to Sarah's I was with Geoff and Opie, and they asked me what the deal was with me and Jeff, because they didn't really know the whole story and didn't understand the history of what was going on. Talking to them about it got me pretty worked up because Geoff kept irritating me and I felt like he was putting the primary blame on me, and I really wanted to go home rather than go to Sarah's but didn't feel like asking him to take me home. So then at Sarah's, because I was worked up, I wasn't particularly nice to Jeff. So today Jeff was online, and I IM'd him, told him how Risk had ended up, and asked him to IM me when he got back. So he IM'd me awhile later, all pissed that I'd been a jerk to him at Sarah's and said that he "wasn't worthy of being talked to or hung out with" forever, and now all of a sudden he's "good enough to IM". So I told him that the reason I'd IM'd him because I wanted to apologize for being a jerk. So fine, honest mistake by him and it didn't bother me. EXCEPT that he kept going. He said that I didn't want anything to do with him for the longest time, and then he was suddenly good enough to IM and then I was a jerk to him. What I didn't point out to him but perhaps should have was that he was the one who first IM'd me, not the other way around. We probably wouldn't be talking still right now if I was the one who was to initiate conversation, because that email he sent me made me think that he was done, and I didn't care enough at that point to keep trying. Trying with him has proven useless (a waste of my energy) for a long time, it just wasn't until last summer that I realized it. But because he started talking to me, I thought maybe it would be worth working back into something. I'm really irritated right now and not sure that I care after all. I got used to not needing him fairly quickly I thought, and since we've been talking it's just been stressful and an annoyance. If it were just he and I trying to talk through it, it would be one thing. But there's also a host of testosterone involved (i.e. Geoff and Opie), and Jeff doesn't seem like he's much different now than he was in July. I'm not really sure what he wants from me. He talks like he doesn't know why we ever stopped talking. I guess rather, to him we stopped talking because I didn't like him anymore. To me we stopped talking because he was pissed and I didn't care. I guess it's kind of the same thing. He said that I hated him, and I don't hate him and I told him that. I was frustrated with things having to do with him, but I didn't hate him. And as I said to him, I should have said something to him rather than saying something to Opie first, and I should have known that by saying something to Opie it would get instantly repeated to Jeff. Which it did. But I didn't think Jeff would be quite so unreasonable with his response. The fault lies with both of us, since both of us screwed up. He also said today that I continue to consistently talk badly about him. Again a difference of perspectives I guess. He said that his "favorite was when I told Liz O'Donnell that I liked Geoff and Alan, but not him (Jeff) so much", which I vaguly remember doing but I totally believe him. However, though I am sure I said it, I'm also sure that I wasn't serious because at I haven't cared what he's thought of me for awhile. In fact, my biggest concern for a long time was not what Jeff thought of me, but what our mutual friends thought of me, and I think I have their opinions sorted out at this point. It's funny how much drama we all create for ourselves in our little group. How much we all get in each other's business. Maybe we all keep doing it because we think, even if we stopped talking about anybody else, we would still get talked about, so what's the point? That's how I feel sometimes, for sure. I don't know. I'm just annoyed with the whole situation, and I want to make it right but I don't want to try and "talk" it out online. I owe him a letter, I told him I'd write one, and I need to write it. But I feel like all that is going to do is make him mad, and it will be pointless in the long run. Maybe I'm just not giving him enough credit. I'm going to try it, it's just finishing the letter and making it sound how I mean it. And in order for it to mean anything in the long run, he has to be willing to talk about it afterwards, even if "talking about it" means writing me back. I won't do this on msn, and I won't play an email game. I guess I need to think for a day or so and see how I feel then.