How to save a life...

It's been awhile since I've posted a real, substantial post. A lot has been happening since then, but at the same time...life is still stagnant. I still don't know what I'm doing this fall, I still don't realize what real responsibility is, I still am here, doing nothing, being the same and hating myself for it. And using horrible punctuation and grammar. I just switched the song to "Back At One" by Brian McKnight. Since I've been feeling very sentimental the last couple of weeks, and most especially right now, this song reminds me of 2 things that are kind of the same. It reminds me of Eric Colby because he had this CD right as the song was a single, and that was when Ben was hanging out with him a lot, and so we heard it in the van a lot. And Cheez used to sing it, and his voice was...what dreams were made out of. The song also reminds me of Blue Lake Fine Arts Camp that summer, 2000. I had it on a CD (that Cheez made), and we used to listen to it every day. Less Than Jake's "History of A Boring Town" was also on the CD. My cabin counselor had the pink Barbie with the inflatable chair, and on middle Sunday I went to Ludington with my mom and dad, and they bought me the blue Barbie with the inflatable chair so that we all matched. We ate lunch at the original House of Flavors. They were having marriage troubles but I didn't really realize it at the time. I knew something wasn't right, but I didn't think much of it. I don't remember which song we performed for middle Sunday. But that was the summer we played Ticheli's "Shenendoah" (which will be played at my funeral), and Curnow's "Where Never Lark Nor Eagle Flew". I love music. I love band music. I miss band. I miss being a part of something that was so powerful, and being around people that really cared about one another. And missed you when you weren't around. And that I looked forward to seeing every day. I have a good time with the people I work with, but I go in every day not really caring if I see most of them, and when I'm not around them, I don't usually miss it. Some of them, yes. I yearn constantly to be somewhere else. To be at home, to be sitting in Opie's living room with him, not talking, just staring at Drew Carey or SportsCenter, or whatever he has on. Not caring what we do. Just being with who's comfortable and that I love. When did I get to where I am right now? When did I only see my friends once every couple of weeks, or once a month? And when did I start hearing the stories from everyone else? I used to be the one telling the stories. When did I get so disgusted with everything I see around me?

I read on Zick's profile one day that he only feels 2 emotions: disgust and anger. He was joking of course, but weirdly...it struck a chord in me. Honestly I feel as though those are my 2 main emotions lately. I definitely haven't felt a great deal of happiness; you can ask anyone I work with about that. I've been in a reasonably silent rage the last few shifts. And it has nothing to do with work, really. I don't wake up and get mad because I have to go to work. I just wake up mad. Fuel's "Bad Day" is my theme song right now, I feel. That's what I do - slam the door and say "I'm sorry, I had a bad day again." But I swear there's nothing wrong, you'll hear me playing that same old song, I'll put you off...and I'll always think you won't understand.

Why do I get mad? There's no reason to be mad about anything. Nobody is doing anything to affect my life; everything that isn't going as planned is not going as planned because of my own doing. I always get this way when I feel overwhelmed, and as though I'm never going to get out of the slump. The thing is, I've ever actually gotten out of the slump that I was first in, in 2003. I've done some things that have felt like improvements, but when I break it all down, I actually just feel like I've only really added to the depth of the whole. Moving to Grandville was nice because it got me out of Lake O, and while I was there I started the job at Friday's. However, the entire year I lived there was a pile of unnecessary stress, and kind of a waste of a lot of money. Living downtown now just makes me upset. Our landlord blows. Thankfully I'm moving out at the end of the month; Karen, Thao, and Jill have another girl that wants to live with them, and I say Have Fun. I love Karen, and Jill seems cool, but Thao acts a bit bipolar, and the house is a shit hole. And I've been over House Parties since my first trip to CMU in 2001. I don't like the neighborhood. I'm never there, partly because I've got other things going on, and partly because I hate being there.

I'm leaving for Orlando on July 31st, and I can't wait. I need to get away with people who are refreshing to talk to, and who I know I can have fun with. I'm worried that I'm too optimistic about how much money we're going to make, and how much I'm coming back with. I would love to come back to Michigan with a new laptop, a digital camera, and $5000 in cash. But I feel like that's a bit unrealistic. But that's almost okay if it means that I'll get a break, and come back feeling refreshed. I need that. It's been just over 3 years since I've gone somewhere new with a great group of people. I'm too angsty to have to wait that long; I should be doing that shit every few months. I might start to now that I'm actually using this Friday's Passport thing. Who knows though.

Ben got his MCAT scores back. I told him I'd go anywhere he needs to for med school. He's my number one right now. My career can be worked on anywhere he goes, I feel. And I'll be happy anywhere with him. So we'll see where that takes me. He's got 2 semesters left with his undergrad at GVSU, and he's making other decisions for his life right now, so we'll see what happens.

I've got to get out of this place I'm in right now.