...and sorry I could not travel both...
I can help other people with a lot of things. Including hard mental/emotional things. But I think I'm pretty much worthless when it comes to friends dying. I don't want to make them laugh because I don't want to attempt that prematurely. I don't want to try and make them talk about it, because that might not be what they need at that time. I'm paying attention. I listen if they're volunteering information. I give hugs. Sometimes I even ask safety questions ("how'd that go?"). But I feel like I'm almost ignoring the fact that a friend just died. Like I'm forcing normality when it's just not there. It's uncomfortable for me, and I'm not used to being outside comfort circles. That's all I've got. Thanks for letting me vent. Weird last few days.
That was going to be an email to Josh. Just because I'm in a weird place. (When haven't I been in a weird place the last few weeks?) I haven't sent it yet, it's sitting in another browser window waiting for me to decide if I want to freak him out or not. I actually have zero concern for it freaking him out, for 2 reasons...1. I don't think it would freak him out, and 2. I'm me, and if he doesn't like me then f- it. And he likes me so far, so I don't see why that would change it. (Update: just sent it.)
Otherwise...Nyle's funeral is on Monday. I think Opie is doing all right. He's not a talker. He talks when he needs to. He's been spending a lot of time at Nyle's house with his mom and his family, and he's enjoying himself and it's helping him a lot. I think my thing is that I feel helpless. And I'm not there to witness the healing going on at Nyle's house for everyone, so I'm not able to understand it, and I'm only imagining a lot of pain. Which I'm sure is there. I just have such a matter-of-fact way of dealing with death because I've not had a lot of recent, personal experience with it..so I can only imagine what it's like to lose a friend, and it would be devastating. I'm imagining a lot of turmoil inside that other people wouldn't see. And I don't want Opie to have that. So I'll continue to be here for him if that's what he needs, and we'll go from there.
Tried to download more band music. Band music is hard to come by...but orchestra music is a bit more prevalent, and I'm getting the Fantasia 2000 soundtrack right now. I forgot how much I loved Pomp and Circumstance (if I recall, the 2nd Movement was my favorite...or maybe it was the 4th...I don't remember which one is thought of as the "Graduation March". But that's NOT my favorite.) Tonight when I was doing my OTLE duty at work, I was rockin' out to some Mozart String Quartet songs, performed by the Franz Schubert string quartet. Music compliments of Stephanie. It was amazing. That was after I got to listen to both Shenandoah (Frank Ticheli is more amazing than words can describe), Cajun Folk Songs (again, Ticheli), and Where Never Lark Nor Eagle Flew (James Curnow...Cur-Wow, haha). I'm in a word-less place too, I guess.
That's about it. I love Abby. I damn-near overflowed her AIM with messages last night whilst she was sleeping with a random vent of tired worry, and today she came through with the sign-on-hello that makes me smile. And we vented to one another for awhile, expressed concerns, discussed matters of immediate importance, and she went to sleep. I should be sleeping, but with the stress of the times, and the pressing need for the music of the Gods, here I sit. Tomorrow I'm going to sleep for awhile (I start my .75 dose shot tonight), then probably come here, download some music (I want to make some mainstream music CD's for McDermott's party this weekend), and maybe go to Lansing if the mood strikes. Jeff and I have been talking more lately, and I think it might be fun to go hang out with him (he, Geoff, and Steph watch LOST every Wednesday, so perhaps afterwards Jeff and I could hang out while the other two do their thing). And I never really need an excuse to want to see Geoff, though he's been kind of a downer the last couple times I've gone there...I think he's got a lot on his mind lately. I know he does. And I'm not one to pressure him into trying to talk, so I just kinda go with it. Plus I think he's been tired. Story of my life.
That was going to be an email to Josh. Just because I'm in a weird place. (When haven't I been in a weird place the last few weeks?) I haven't sent it yet, it's sitting in another browser window waiting for me to decide if I want to freak him out or not. I actually have zero concern for it freaking him out, for 2 reasons...1. I don't think it would freak him out, and 2. I'm me, and if he doesn't like me then f- it. And he likes me so far, so I don't see why that would change it. (Update: just sent it.)
Otherwise...Nyle's funeral is on Monday. I think Opie is doing all right. He's not a talker. He talks when he needs to. He's been spending a lot of time at Nyle's house with his mom and his family, and he's enjoying himself and it's helping him a lot. I think my thing is that I feel helpless. And I'm not there to witness the healing going on at Nyle's house for everyone, so I'm not able to understand it, and I'm only imagining a lot of pain. Which I'm sure is there. I just have such a matter-of-fact way of dealing with death because I've not had a lot of recent, personal experience with it..so I can only imagine what it's like to lose a friend, and it would be devastating. I'm imagining a lot of turmoil inside that other people wouldn't see. And I don't want Opie to have that. So I'll continue to be here for him if that's what he needs, and we'll go from there.
Tried to download more band music. Band music is hard to come by...but orchestra music is a bit more prevalent, and I'm getting the Fantasia 2000 soundtrack right now. I forgot how much I loved Pomp and Circumstance (if I recall, the 2nd Movement was my favorite...or maybe it was the 4th...I don't remember which one is thought of as the "Graduation March". But that's NOT my favorite.) Tonight when I was doing my OTLE duty at work, I was rockin' out to some Mozart String Quartet songs, performed by the Franz Schubert string quartet. Music compliments of Stephanie. It was amazing. That was after I got to listen to both Shenandoah (Frank Ticheli is more amazing than words can describe), Cajun Folk Songs (again, Ticheli), and Where Never Lark Nor Eagle Flew (James Curnow...Cur-Wow, haha). I'm in a word-less place too, I guess.
That's about it. I love Abby. I damn-near overflowed her AIM with messages last night whilst she was sleeping with a random vent of tired worry, and today she came through with the sign-on-hello that makes me smile. And we vented to one another for awhile, expressed concerns, discussed matters of immediate importance, and she went to sleep. I should be sleeping, but with the stress of the times, and the pressing need for the music of the Gods, here I sit. Tomorrow I'm going to sleep for awhile (I start my .75 dose shot tonight), then probably come here, download some music (I want to make some mainstream music CD's for McDermott's party this weekend), and maybe go to Lansing if the mood strikes. Jeff and I have been talking more lately, and I think it might be fun to go hang out with him (he, Geoff, and Steph watch LOST every Wednesday, so perhaps afterwards Jeff and I could hang out while the other two do their thing). And I never really need an excuse to want to see Geoff, though he's been kind of a downer the last couple times I've gone there...I think he's got a lot on his mind lately. I know he does. And I'm not one to pressure him into trying to talk, so I just kinda go with it. Plus I think he's been tired. Story of my life.
posted by Alesheia @ 3:13 AM
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