I live on the corner of Grey Street, and the end of the World...
I'm still not going to post my explanations because I haven't written them out yet. That's what I'm going to do once I go home, shower, and have time to think a little. Right now I'm downloading some music that I want, and trying to think through things. My heart is pounding right now in that way that it does when something is making me really nervous and I don't really know what or why. Here are the reasons why I think it's happening:
1. I've decided to drop my class, I think. This is huge. Not really good-huge. I don't want to not be a student this semester. But I'm so distracted, and I've dug myself a very deep hole, and I'm not sure I can get out of it. Plus I'm still in cahoots with the cashiers office, have not the money to pay for anything, and really just...am not feeling it this semester. It's not smart of me to keep doing this. This not going but still being enrolled. It is literally the last thing on my list of priorities. You might say that at least it's on the list, but that's not good enough for me. I'm not doing well, and I'm not a bad student. I'm not an idiot, I get biology, but I'm not putting forth the effort. I'm going home to talk to my mom about it tonight, and pass it through her. She'll back me up for whatever I do, I just need to talk to her about it and get us both on the same page.
2. Karen asked me if I was game for living with them, at least through the summer. I want to, but it will be another $300 going out a month, which I can do I think, it's just...$300 more a month that I won't have to frivilously spend on randomness. Which is something I love to do. And even that won't really stop me from moving in, because I would love to live with Karen and Thao, and definitely want to live in Grand Rapids, and can handle not dumping my money into nothingness, it's just that I'm concerned that I'm not going to make enough over the summer at Friday's to afford my car payment and rent. That's a total of $625/month which I can do right now, and probably even over the summer, but once next fall hits and I'm taking classes, will I be able to do that? I can always take out loans, I have no problem going into extreme debt, it's just...I don't want to get into an awkward money position.
3. I really don't want to be that loser who stops going to school for a semester. I secretly judge those people when I hear about them. And now I'm going to be one of them. It doesn't matter that I have a reason kind of. I'm still one of them. Distractions or not. Damn me.
4. I really don't want to be another girl to Josh. I met Alison on Saturday, and she's my competition, and I hate it. I hate knowing her. And I hate that I'm going to Royal Oak for Ryan's birthday party on Saturday, and she's going to be there. I shouldn't, because they're friends, and we're friends, but she likes him, and I like him, and I HATE FIGHTING OVER BOYS. She and I aren't even friends, I just don't like fighting over boys. She and I aren't even fighting actually, but the competition is there. Part of me wants to just say...she can have him. I'd rather just be his friend than have to turn into some petty broad. Because that is one thing I won't do. Though it's not like it's up to she and I to decide who "gets him" as it's kind of his choice...But I don't like feeling this way. All anxious, and not good enough. I think I just summed up my feelings as I was venting to Abby's AIM...I don't want to have competition, and I don't want to have this end with him choosing her, and me being sad and not feeling good enough. I've felt not good enough before, and it sucks. We'll see how this goes...after all, he said he's not looking for a girlfriend, and he's not "choosing" anything right now, and there is no reason for me to be all estro and start freaking out over nothing.
5. I really don't want to be that college student. But I really want to work through the whole summer, pay off all my medical bills, have some fun, and get a little money in the bank.
6. Karen is leaning towards Oakland for grad school. Which I guess I knew, but have never really thought about. And she's going to be done at GV after next fall. And she's thinking about moving back the East side next January. Which happens to be my exact plan. So tonight she and I discussed a possible living-together arrangement. Because she doesn't particularily want to move back home. And she's not necessarily going to go right back to school, but she does want to get over there, get a job...it would be perfect. I want it to work. I don't want to go there, and live with some mystery person. And now the seed of thought is planted, and I really want it.
That's what I've got. My random frickin' thoughts. My ridiculous, distracted nothingness. I feel so...clouded over. Just not focused. Very flakey. I don't know where my priorities are. I know exactly what I want to ultimately do. I have some very good goals, and I'm intelligent enough to reach them. But I have put very little thought into how I'm going to get to those final places, and I feel like I'm just flaking out. And I hate it. I hate feeling like this. I hate feeling like I'm floating, and a little helpless, and very unreliable. I hate not having anything to blame. That sounds bad. I mean that I don't have any good reason to feel this way, and yet I can't explain why I do feel like it.
I need to take a shower and get this Friday's stink off of me.
1. I've decided to drop my class, I think. This is huge. Not really good-huge. I don't want to not be a student this semester. But I'm so distracted, and I've dug myself a very deep hole, and I'm not sure I can get out of it. Plus I'm still in cahoots with the cashiers office, have not the money to pay for anything, and really just...am not feeling it this semester. It's not smart of me to keep doing this. This not going but still being enrolled. It is literally the last thing on my list of priorities. You might say that at least it's on the list, but that's not good enough for me. I'm not doing well, and I'm not a bad student. I'm not an idiot, I get biology, but I'm not putting forth the effort. I'm going home to talk to my mom about it tonight, and pass it through her. She'll back me up for whatever I do, I just need to talk to her about it and get us both on the same page.
2. Karen asked me if I was game for living with them, at least through the summer. I want to, but it will be another $300 going out a month, which I can do I think, it's just...$300 more a month that I won't have to frivilously spend on randomness. Which is something I love to do. And even that won't really stop me from moving in, because I would love to live with Karen and Thao, and definitely want to live in Grand Rapids, and can handle not dumping my money into nothingness, it's just that I'm concerned that I'm not going to make enough over the summer at Friday's to afford my car payment and rent. That's a total of $625/month which I can do right now, and probably even over the summer, but once next fall hits and I'm taking classes, will I be able to do that? I can always take out loans, I have no problem going into extreme debt, it's just...I don't want to get into an awkward money position.
3. I really don't want to be that loser who stops going to school for a semester. I secretly judge those people when I hear about them. And now I'm going to be one of them. It doesn't matter that I have a reason kind of. I'm still one of them. Distractions or not. Damn me.
4. I really don't want to be another girl to Josh. I met Alison on Saturday, and she's my competition, and I hate it. I hate knowing her. And I hate that I'm going to Royal Oak for Ryan's birthday party on Saturday, and she's going to be there. I shouldn't, because they're friends, and we're friends, but she likes him, and I like him, and I HATE FIGHTING OVER BOYS. She and I aren't even friends, I just don't like fighting over boys. She and I aren't even fighting actually, but the competition is there. Part of me wants to just say...she can have him. I'd rather just be his friend than have to turn into some petty broad. Because that is one thing I won't do. Though it's not like it's up to she and I to decide who "gets him" as it's kind of his choice...But I don't like feeling this way. All anxious, and not good enough. I think I just summed up my feelings as I was venting to Abby's AIM...I don't want to have competition, and I don't want to have this end with him choosing her, and me being sad and not feeling good enough. I've felt not good enough before, and it sucks. We'll see how this goes...after all, he said he's not looking for a girlfriend, and he's not "choosing" anything right now, and there is no reason for me to be all estro and start freaking out over nothing.
5. I really don't want to be that college student. But I really want to work through the whole summer, pay off all my medical bills, have some fun, and get a little money in the bank.
6. Karen is leaning towards Oakland for grad school. Which I guess I knew, but have never really thought about. And she's going to be done at GV after next fall. And she's thinking about moving back the East side next January. Which happens to be my exact plan. So tonight she and I discussed a possible living-together arrangement. Because she doesn't particularily want to move back home. And she's not necessarily going to go right back to school, but she does want to get over there, get a job...it would be perfect. I want it to work. I don't want to go there, and live with some mystery person. And now the seed of thought is planted, and I really want it.
That's what I've got. My random frickin' thoughts. My ridiculous, distracted nothingness. I feel so...clouded over. Just not focused. Very flakey. I don't know where my priorities are. I know exactly what I want to ultimately do. I have some very good goals, and I'm intelligent enough to reach them. But I have put very little thought into how I'm going to get to those final places, and I feel like I'm just flaking out. And I hate it. I hate feeling like this. I hate feeling like I'm floating, and a little helpless, and very unreliable. I hate not having anything to blame. That sounds bad. I mean that I don't have any good reason to feel this way, and yet I can't explain why I do feel like it.
I need to take a shower and get this Friday's stink off of me.
posted by Alesheia @ 2:13 AM
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