Don't know exactly what has happened tonight. Or in the last week, for that matter. Christmas was...family-filled. It's annoying to me that my parents can't seem to enjoy a holiday without alcohol, but I guess it's not my problem. However, they should never wonder why I hate being with them for more than 3 minutes, and why I don't have any desire to live with them. They came to Christmas Eve with alcohol in their systems, left with more of it, and refilled for Christmas Day where mom decided to use the one word I truly can not stand in excess, and dad got excessively emotional as he does when he's inebriated. It was wonderful. So I left as soon as I could. I suppose I am angry that this is supposed to be a happy time of year, with much festivus and instead I am angry and miserable because I am so unsettled with my life right now. I should be angry with the things I can change and just let the ones happen that I can't...but thats not how I work. I don't know what all is getting me down. Well, I know it I guess. I want school to come easier for me. It used to...then social things became much more important, and they still are...and now I'm dying in the scholastic area. And I feel as though I need something to just...unload everything on. But none of my friends deserve that, and I know there are a couple who would listen if I just asked them to, but I can't...then I just get mean when everything builds up. And I feel supremely dumb when I complain about MS-related things...I feel as though I should be over that by now, you know? I've had 3 months to get over it. On the flip-side, it's forever for me. When the friends I have now have forgotten about me and have moved on, I will still have MS and still be this basketcase of idiocy, unable to deal with myself. I have been trying to get back on solid ground while I'm on break from school right now...while I have the time to think clearly and get some composure. Trying to become that rock that everyone can come to if they need it, instead of that girl that needs everyone else for every little thing that comes her way. But I think I'm appearing to others as that messed-up, immature, unstable kid who needs to learn to deal with the curveballs thrown to her. It's not like I'm not getting the signals, you know? I crave independence right now. I need to be free so badly. To have my own car, my own place, and just be out without having to answer to people, or feeling like I have to. I don't want to be a burden to Martin and Ellen anymore, and I have tired of feeling as though I am in the way all of the time. I am frustrated with feeling as though I have to explain my feelings to people, when I don't know how to explain them to myself. I don't know what my religious beliefs are anymore...I just don't know. I want to be one of those people who can be stronger in her faith, and put her entire being into God and His will...but I can't. I don't know how confident I am in God anymore. How can people say He is all-loving when so many things happen with no explanation or reason? To turn the entire thing into a selfish pity-me fest, when I was told I had MS, I never felt more alone in my life. I stopped feeling as though I could fully rely on my parents a long time ago, and the diagnosis did not much change that - they had their own feelings about it to deal with. Don't get me wrong, I still went to mom a couple of times and talked...but I can't expect her to understand exactly what I'm feeling. I can't begin to explain it, anyway. Tyler took hold and became my number one support beam for awhile...he looked it up, shared information, was just there. Everyone was "there"...but what could I do? Some of my friends were upset about it themselves, they didn't need me complaining about it to them...and I shed far too many tears in front of other people for my own comfort. In about 7 hours, I went from being wavering-as-it-is rock, to the leaner. And the leaner is not a position that I am comfortable in; I wasn't before that day (as I was becoming one anyway) and I still wasn't afterwards. So I tried to bottle everything and get through the semester...failed a class, had a prof. take mercy on me so that I didn't fail another, and got by in my other 2. Sweet GPA now, p.s. Well now the semester is over, and the only thing I've accomplished is a little more desperation as my date of independence draws closer, but the means to be independent are no more clear, and I have no better understanding of what this illness is going to do. I have another MRI later today, and then I imagine another neurology appointment will follow, where I will still not to want to start medicine, still not know what to so about all of this holistic treatment business, and still feel like I'm not ready to make this decision for myself. But for now, being annoyingly complaint-filled on this blog isn't helping anything, so I will go.

It's funny how cliches fit life so well..."time flies" they say. Yep, it does. Where does 3 months go? Well, I can tell you what it goes into. Failing classes, feeling alone, and wanting something so badly but not knowing what. I don't really want to blame my being worthless on multiple sclerosis...I mean, I was falling behind before this medical stuff. But it made everything that much harder. I am incapable of explaining to people - nor do I wish to try - how inconcievably difficult it is to be happy. Just thinking it makes me realize how selfish I am...I have been striving to not be selfish for so long, and it seems that the harder I try, the more I am. The last three months I have been thinking about nothing but myself, and it kills me. I hate it. I don't want to think about me, but I have to...it's like a burning need inside of me. There are so many things that are uncertain for me, and I thrive on organization and planning. Ah yes, and independence. Which, by the way, I have none right now. I have it in the sense of being able to come and go as I please, and things like that...but in order to do the coming and going, I am entirely dependent upon other people. My healthcare depends on other people. My mental stability fully depends on other people sometimes. Sweet Alesheia. For someone who's worst fear is becoming a burden, I'm well on my way. I came to the realization a few weeks ago that no matter what I do, I am now a burden to everyone involved with me for the rest of my life...do you realize what this means? I am going to be alone for the rest of my life. I've joked about that in the past, but it's just one of those "joking" things...I never actually thought that it would be for real. I don't want to be alone my whole life...but alienation is now just a part of my life, I think. I'm still pushing people away. Not entirely intentionally...there are a couple of people that I would like to have close to me, I think. But one of them has apparently decided that I'm not worth trusting or something, so part of that relationship has turned superficial. Not the whole thing...but I don't feel that 100% is being put out there, so I'm not being as open anymore. I hate not being met halfway. Well, I lie. I don't mind not being met halfway, but I hate being told that you're going to be met halfway...and then not. Wow...it makes me more mad just to think about it. Huh. Then the other person that would be desireable to be close to...well, yeah. Same ol', same ol'. One sided love, I think. Haha, "love." Such a cute idea. Does it exist? I don't think so. Personal opinion, but hey...while I'm being selfish I will just say that I'm right. Love can't exist, in any form. I used to think it was just an emotion that mortals couldn't comprehend...but now that I question the existance of any higher power, I suppose I have to say that
"love", as an emotion, is b.s. Anyway, unimportant. Love is irrelevant to the rest of this business. I am a bit thrown off. I had an appointment today with the neurologist...discussed a little medical crap, got another generic examination. Came to zero conclusions about anything, though. I was supposed to ask questions, but really...what do they want me to say? "Can you fix it?" "No." "All right, we're done here." Instead I had to feign interest and use a cheat sheet (called the friend's mom en route to the appointment and got questions from her). All that was determined was that I'm better now (as I have been for a month, and "better" is only physically in this case), and that I have to get another MRI sometime next month, pending the insurance will cover it. I really have a distaste for medicine. So it's cool that I'm going into that. You know what else is cool? When you feel hopeless and helpless for so long that it becomes normal. The little constricting wire around my heart hasn't gone away for quite some time..."Something's Missing"...good song. I liked it before I realized that it's pretty much me right now. But in it he says something about how his friends are all there for him, and that is what makes it harder in some ways. I don't know...I don't want to say that they're not there for me...but the novelty of disease is gone, for sure. This might just be me and my quest for lack of dependency, but I can not think of one person that I feel comfortable talking to about this thing anymore. I just figure that it's old news to them, and that they got sick of hearing it back in October. I would love to talk about something with someone...but I've got nothin'. Good practice though, I suppose...why become dependent on someone now, when I'm just going to distance later? Who wants attatchment, right? I couldn't wait for this semester to get over; I just felt like I needed the break so badly. A part of me likes the time off, but all it's doing so far is creating a lot of open space that I can't fill due to lack of money and all other things. Okay, so now that I'm a broken record and just keep complaining, I'm gone.