So here I am, still.

Medically, my butt is getting beaten in. What started as silly numbness has progressed into headaches, disorientation, general gout. I went to the doctor, he put me on antidepressants and steriods and gave me a shot that nearly killed my arm. Then a week later, I was told by the same dude that I needed an MRI. So I got that, and now I'm waiting for the word.

I have created a 100-point scale to rate my feelings on the topic. 89 of them are covered by 'annoyance', 6 by 'fright', 2 by 'anxiousness', and 3 are...a compound of 'blah', 'confusion', etc. (That is how I described it to Jeff, almost word for word, except I re-evaluated and have some new point values.) I am trying not to worry about this being anything serious, but with the doctor making such a big deal out of tests and stuff, I am letting myself get scared. However, annoyance is the big one. I have too many other things to think about and do, and I don't need this business, also.

Ugh, I am too tired to think about this, I hate medicine. I hate doctors. I hate being a sissy, I shouldn't have ever said anything about any of this to anyone.

Okay, much recent anger and such. I'm not totally sure why, it's a lot of things, so here it goes I guess.

I keep taking things out on my closest friends. I think that I would have felt better about what I had done if I had just slapped Jeff as hard as I could across the face, drop-kicked him in the gut, and hit his kidneys for 20 solid minutes as opposed to what a bitch I have been being for the last several weeks. I have been being mean to Liv, and not telling Cass a damn thing about what has been wrong. I complain about other people's aloofness? I should kick myself in the face.

I did that "starting college" thing, so that's all well and good, but my GOSH I just want to constantly hit things. I am not resposible enough to be put in charge of my own assignments. I can't take care of myself to start, without adding college and my future in there, no pressure. I thought that feeling like I had to please people all of the time was going to end after high school - that brought me comfort the last few months - but no dice. I just feel like I have to act a certain way for certain people, and it's different for most everyone, and I am finding it hard to do. I am so worried that my professors and the other people that I go to school with are going to think I'm a retarded 6 year old, so I resort to these ridiculous defense mechanisms, and piss myself off. Such as, when I'm in an uncomfortable situation, I make dumb jokes. Yes, sweet, welcome back to 7th grade. Not to mention that I am trying really hard to not be fake. I don't think that I was ever as bad as some of the people that I encounter on a daily basis, but sometimes I sure feel like one of the reasons I am having trouble communicating with the people that I want to is because I never learned how in the first place. I wasn't FAKE as much as I didn't open up. I still don't, I don't know how. I'm "too vague", but I really am not confident in my abilities to elaborate on my feelings. I know what I feel most of the time, but when I form it into words, it sounds like I could either be 12 years old again, or it is the same thing that I was hysterical about a year ago, and I should be over it by now.

Example time. Ben is 20 years old. He is not my parent, and he didn't ask for me to be put on this Earth. So why should it be his responsibility to take care of me, I am his 18 year old sister. He has a life, he has 3 jobs, bills to pay, and a whole lot of credits for school, and he's doing it all on his own. When I have to depend on him, I want to cut off my hand! But I honestly don't know who else I could possibly go to, and I don't know how to do it on my own. Which is a whole other anger-inducing frustration. My parents really don't come through in a lot of ways. They try, but it feels like they can't hardly handle their own stuff much less mine, too. And when I do ask them, I get so angry because they manage to turn everything into a money-issue, and that just pisses me off. All of a sudden, mom has realized that she doesn't make any money because she insists on taking every day off of work to be with dad wherever the hell he is, so I have to pay half of the gas money to take me to school. Okay, that sounds reasonable to most I'm sure, but then when you factor in that I have a car that needs at least 2 things done to it before I can drive it to school that they can't seem to find the money to pay for, and that it isn't my fault I haven't been able to get a fricking license, I just want to scream at her. Quit being so retarded with your money and get something done with it instead. And I really wish that Kallen would do something with is life, he's so smart. I'm not sure if he feels like he can't because he's got to be at home, or if he just has no drive to actually DO anything, but it drives me crazy. Even if he doesn't want to go to school, he needs to work, or something. I hate being so critical of he and Abe, they are both really nice and very intelligent, but they could both do so much better for themselves!! And I don't know if I'm just trying to push what I want for myself onto them, or if I am truly taking an objective stance on this issue. I of course would like to think it's the latter.

I care too much about what other people think of me, and the things that I am connected to. I hate talking about my family because they embarass me. I know that is a horrible thing to say. Perhaps "embarass" isn't even the word. But, take Ben. He is talented, intelligent, caring, and pretty. He is going to college to be a doctor, he works his butt off, has many of the things that he wants, and is something to be proud of. Then take my parents. They are both so talented in several different ways, and now here they are barely being able to take care of their own lives, and at times acting like they're still 23 years old, and very unhappy with how their lives have turned out. I believe that my biggest fear is becoming like that, and it drives me crazy. Not turning out like them - as much as I think they have a lot of things in their lives that could have been handled differently to create a better enviornment for everyone involved in the long run, I still love them, and they still raised myself and the brothers, and for the most part, we haven't turned out entirely worthless - but just wasting my life not being happy and not living the lifestyle that I strive to. I act as though I am miserable a lot. Not to groups of people. I suppose it's mostly Liv, Cass, and Jeff. I just act horrendous, and as if I'm on the verge of grim death at any second. And that is weird, because really, I am not a sad person. I love living, I love being around, I love people (as a general rule and population). I love finding the "bright side" of situations, as grim as they might seem, and one of the best feelings in the entire world is helping other people figure out things in their own lives. Which makes it that much more retarded of me to feel such discontentment in my own life so often.

It's weird, because sometimes I feel like life is getting really good. But then I see the dark side of something, and I just get so pissed about it. It's a strange anger, too. Right in my heart but more towards the center, it's like a knot is there, just eating away at my insides, and it makes me feel like I am on the verge of bursting into tears at any time - I get that lump in my throat, and it doesn't go away no matter how many times I swallow. Sometimes I get shaky, and I'll get headaches, and very irritable. In any case, I always have my eye on that "light at the end of the tunnel" - I never lose sight of that - it just seems virtually unattainable a lot of the time.

I hate, loathe, despise, and abominate depending on other people. Which will seem freakish to anyone but me, since I depend on other people for everything. However, it hurts my pride every time I have to ask anyone for anything, and it makes me feel like a burden, and one those things that I strive for in my life is to not burden anyone. It kills me that I feel like I owe the world to Martin and Ellen. And that I am sitting here right this moment wishing that I could just proverbially cry on the shoulder of a 17 year old that shouldn't have to care but does. Not to mention that I feel like there is this sandstone ledge betwixt myself and my best friend of 8 years, and that the "brutally honest" method that I used for another best friend could have quite possibly made her hate me. I don't know how to change that! I am not solid when it comes to NOT sugar-coating something for someone, I hate upsetting people, so I try my hardest to make everything as easy as I can for other people. All of the uneasiness that I have felt between Cass and I in the last few months? Can't point that out, I don't want to make things even weirder, or worse yet, make her mad at me. The few times I have begun to initiate a conversation, or at least given it serious thought, I ultimately chickened out for fear of creating an unsightly rift. Then with Liv, I was as honest as I could be, and *suprise!*, I now want to cut my tongue out. Good call by me. And I want to be able to tell Jeff things without feeling retarded, or somehow try to explain to him that he's one of the top 5 most important people in my life right now, and I don't know how. So, I am going to show this to all of you, and this is my way of letting you know.

I suppose that is the bulk of my extreme hostility. I feel a bit better after having written it out, though that whole "bad person" things is in full-swing. I'm feeling rather blasphemous towards a couple of people currently. But, I am soon off to continue with that college thing...my plan is to try and not procrastinate to the point of school-related mental breakdown. Those suck. Farewell.