Sometimes summertime makes me sad...

Tonight is just one of those nights.

Rather, maybe it's just been one of those years. I've been reading through the Food Matters website and some of it's links for the last hour... actually, to start at the beginning, I woke up yesterday and decided that it was The Day to start being healthier. Since February, I've been feebly looking up things online about making lifestyle changes to be well. And in the last month, I've been putting a lot of thought into how many people will sit on facebook or twitter, complaining about politicians and high gas prices and things of that nature...but that's all they do. Just sit and complain. And I realized that was all that I was doing regarding my own wellness - just sitting online learning about what I should be doing, or could be doing. So when I awoke yesterday, it was time to do something - finally!

I do not have the means to make any crazy changes. Buying organic foods is not a reasonable option for me financially. Just before I started writing this blog, I submitted a request to make an appointment with a holistic dentist - I know that I have cavities, and my wisdom teeth need removing. Not having insurance, however, makes my stomach hurt every time I think about what I need done. (FYI, I must not be looking in the right places, but I have been looking for medical coverage options since 2005 and continually get told I'm out of luck.) Everything that I have been reading about wellness seems to come back to getting your mouth in working order. Turtle has been telling me for 2 years that I "don't even know how much space my wisdom teeth are taking up until they're gone," which sounds awesome because my teeth clenching and constant jaw pain give me a fairly decent idea of how much room they're taking up.

But where do I start? With everything, I mean. Not just dentistry. Yesterday and today I have been paying closer attention to what I eat (I've proclaimed this week "mostly raw" with a potential all-raw follow-up next week), and sweatin' to the DVD-player. And I know that getting rid of this weight that I've put on will make me feel loads better, but I also know that it is a long process. I know better than to expect immediate results, but what I fear is that there are so many other things going on with my body (that require medical appointments that I can't afford) that I can eat well and work out, and still not shed this weight.

As I peruse all of these websites, it's hard to filter through all of the information. Eat raw, eat organic, take supplements, bathe in Epsom salts, be active, absorb sunshine (but use sunscreen) - but don't out chemically-laden creams on your skin! - make sure your footwear gives you proper support, have healthy teeth... Most of these sites are saying the same things (barring the circle-talk such as the sun/screen-type situations), but the sheer volume of information is overwhelming for me.

Oh, and the underlying thought in my head that there are so many things wrong with me that I'm a lost cause. :/ But then I think...isn't that fear what is keeping our society uninsured, fed with cheap processed foods, obese and unwell? I think that it is. So I need to stop being scared. But money scares me. Handling money is terrifying to me, what little I have learned, I had to teach myself - and all I know is that I have debt, and no way to repay it. How am I supposed to make a dentist appointment when I can't pay for the neurologist appointment I already had, or the medicine that I need to order? But I can't stop taking the medicine unless I talk with some doctors and make myself well.

I think one of the worst parts of all of this is how alone I feel. Not sure why. I can't sleep at night, my eventual sleep is punctuated, and I sleep until the afternoon. By the time I get up and around for the day, most of the daylight has gone and I feel lethargic and worthless.

It doesn't help that Turtle has been ignoring me for the better part of 2 weeks. Another summer of him hating his job and taking it out on me has been stressing me to the maximum. He is not to blame for my sleeplessness entirely. When he's working midnights, it comforts me to be awake until weird hours texting him - it makes me feel like we have a connection of some kind albeit the distance and schedules and my lack of car. I choose to stay up, he's never asked me to.

But last summer was hell for me. I was unhappy for so much of it, because - whether he meant to or not - he was fucking with my mind. He would be nice to me, come stay with me, call and text me almost every day when he would start a new job...and then ignore me, be short with me, tell me in various ways that I was not a priority for him at all, sometimes for a week or more. But by the beginning of September, I had started to feel like he and I were going in a good direction again. Then my dad died, and I didn't realize until Christmas how much I resented Turtle for not being there for me through that, in the ways I wanted and needed him to be. And I think the only reason Christmas reminded me was because he made me feel like I was something he couldn't imagine bringing home to his family - even though I had spent the holidays with them the year before.

Right now I am feeling that same worthlessness. And all of those feelings that I thought I had "gotten over" are back, and I don't know what I can do about them. Sometimes I find myself thinking that maybe he doesn't care about me as much as I have thought he did for the last 2 years? The next minute I tell myself that, like he told me last year, it has nothing to do with me and work stresses him out. But I thought I took the right precautions this summer. I told him when he first started working again in April that I didn't want him to go crazy again, and he agreed with me...then I said it again the weekend of my birthday when I was trying to decide about Mackinac. I said it a 3rd time about 2 weeks ago as well - which I have thought about as a possible reason for his shut-down. But I don't think that it is because he didn't immediately stop talking to me after we had that conversation. So I don't know.

I need to stop being scared. This weight has got to go - it will make me feel healthier, BE healthier, look better, feel good about myself... and I am taking good steps to do that, so I feel all right about it right now. I need to figure out a dentist, and a couple of other appointments...which is a daunting task that makes me nervous and upon thinking about it makes me immediately want to mentally shut down - which I can't let myself do. I keep telling myself that if make myself well, things with Turtle will also get better because I will have a better outlook about them. Maybe he'll call me tomorrow... :/

Thoughts on making your own shoes...

I've been perusing a lot of different things on the InterWebz tonight, but the last that has caught my attention is making your own shoes. It's something I've been thinking about for quite some time, and was having trouble figuring out what I might make the sole out of, and then how I would attach a shoe...body?...to such a sole?...anywhere, here aaaaarrre my thoughts!

-If you can find thick cork, that would be an ideal core for the sole. 1/2" or 3/4" would be perfect for me, but you could play with varying thicknesses for whatever you wanted to do...

- Some type of grippy paint to coat the bottom of the cork. First gluing a thin sheet of wood to the cork and pressing it to dry would probably be best? Sealing the wood first, then gluing and pressing, THEN coating the wood with a waterproof, grippy (latex?) coating. There has to be something in the industrial paint aisle.

- A layer or 2 of generic craft foam?...

-In the meantime, figure out the drape of the fabric around your foot. I like the look of Toms shoes, so I might try a basic U behind my heel, wrap around the foot, fold over the toe? Or something like that? I might also invest some time at the sewing machine or handsewing (more likely) so craft the perfect foot swathing...

- Sew the cloth to another 2+ layers of craft foam (or thick fabric - canvas or upholstery?) and glue that to the stack of sole.

-Add additional foam (or store-bought shoe inserts?)...to the inside of the shoe. (not sure how to affix? glue)

And thoughts on a Snickers cake:

-French vanilla cake mix, or caramel cake mix

-Caramely frosting/ganache/mousse

-Peanut butter (possibly mixed in with the caramely whatever)

-Crushed peanuts

-Milk chocolate frosting

--or fudge frosting with milk chocolate shavings

Because a snickers is just...chocolate, nougat, peanuts, and caramel.

But the ice cream bars (which inspired me) are peanut butter ice cream, caramel sauce, peanut pieces, and the hard chocolate ice cream coating.

What to do!?

...And I break at the bend...

Well...for lack of anything else to do while I sit here awake for probably another 3 hours, and having a lot of thoughts in my head, I'm going to blog. Which I haven't done in quite some time, and which I've thought about doing a lot, especially in the last few weeks...

My dad's memorial service is tomorrow. The big one, anyway. The first one was 2 weeks ago, for his family at their funeral home on the east side of the state. The one tomorrow (well, in 10-1/2 hours) is in Lake O, sounds like a lot of people are going to be there. I do need to re-write/hone what I'm saying at it. I spoke briefly at the first one, and I am planning on a doing a variation on that for tomorrow...I also have to finish picking what I'm going to wear, though I have it for the most part figured out. I suppose I could also paint my nails for the occasion. So I'd suppose, when I said I didn't have anything else to do, I was wrong. But my thoughts have just been overwhelming me, especially tonight, so I think I just need to get them out, and I feel like this probably doesn't reach a huge audience (even if it does, whatever I guess), and it doesn't make my hand cramp like writing in a journal would...

Turtle isn't coming tomorrow. I don't know why for sure? If I were to come up with a reason on my own, I would guess that it's because the idea of being there makes him uncomfortable. Which is legitimate. And even acceptable for all senses and purposes. It doesn't make me feel better about it, though. He didn't come 2 weeks ago because he had already made plans to attend a kiteboarding camp...I was all right with it for the following reasons: He had paid a lot of money to go to this camp and had been planning on going for quite some time, and the "big" memorial was going to be 2 weeks later, so he would be at that one... :/ The night of the first memorial I was a bit more...shook up?...than I had thought I would be, and after I got back to GR I just sat outside my brothers house and cried for awhile. I think I cried for a lot of reasons, but maybe I didn't really cry for anything specific. I had asked Turtle early in the day how the camp was going, and while I was sitting contemplating in the October wind he replied that it had sucked and Day 2 had been postponed so he was back home. I asked him if he was coming to see me that night and he said he wasn't, and I didn't know how to tell him without telling him how badly I wanted to him to come just sit next to me so that I didn't feel like my entire world was this huge space filled with people that I knew that had other people that were next to them. So I didn't. I just kept crying on the steps, until eventually I was too cold to be outside much longer and the tears weren't really flowing anymore.

He was the first person that I called after Ben told me Dad died. It was 3:54 in the morning on a Saturday, and I'd been on the phone with Turtle less than an hour before but we'd hung up because Ben had gotten to my house to pick up Kona. After Ben had called me back to tell me we were going to Lake O, I tried calling Turtle at least 6 times, had text him to please call me back, and had sent him a gchat IM saying the same. He called me back when we were between the M-21 and Cascade Rd. exits on I-96 and I told him. I called him again once we were in Lake O, it was probably almost 7am, and he was just getting ready to get into bed. That entire week he would answer me every time I called him, but his responses to my texts weren't as prompt as they usually were; sometimes he wouldn't text me back at all, which was completely out-of-the-ordinary.

Last week we went up to Mackinac together. The first night we were there I passed out drunk around 12:30, and I woke up around 3:30 when he came back from the bar. I'm not sure how it came up, but at some point we were sitting on the bed, and he said "You're just like him," and it made me cry. He said it was "so sad," and "such a waste" - I guess the things people usually say, but coming from him, to me, right then and right there, it felt like it had some...deeper meaning? I woke up in the morning and felt good about him in this situation, and felt like maybe I wasn't going to lose him in all of this...that evening, around sundown, I went to the boardwalk originally to find Turtle, but I ended up sitting there, by myself except for a couple that passed by me early on, watching the sun set behind the Mackinac Bridge. I was there for probably 20 minutes, maybe 30, and I was thinking about how much I wish that my Dad had come up one of the summers I was there, because he would have loved the Island and all of its pure natural beauty...at some point I wandered away and continued with the night. Late though, after the bars had closed, we found ourselves back by the boardwalk with some vodka, sitting on the rocks. I said to Turtle at one point that I missed my Dad, and we talked about it a little bit. It was a good conversation. I said to him that I would like for him to come to this memorial that is now tomorrow. He didn't say anything, and after a few moments I said "but if you don't want to, that's okay," because in those moments that he wasn't saying anything I felt like maybe I was cornering him, and I didn't want him to be uncomfortable or worse, say that he would and then later not come...

All this week, he's gone hours before he'll text me back, yet he's called most nights to say he was home, getting ready for bed, wanted to say goodnight. One night he abruptly got off the phone with me after saying his roommate had just gotten home, and it irked me for a few minutes, before I just 'let it go' because there's no reason to harbor resentment for little things, but I was annoyed that he'd just spent all day - had been spending all his time the last 2 months - with these guys, and he acted like it would ruin him if they knew he was on the phone with me or something. He called me today at noon and asked if he'd talked to me the night before, which he had...

:: He'd sleep-dialed me, which is cute. We'd talked for a few minutes. He said he'd talked to one of his old bosses that morning, and though he wasn't going back to work for him, the guy had "told the girls (at the bar they hung out at) he was coming back." I didn't feel anger, jealousy, hurt...anything, really. I just thought...how unsavory of him to again bring up some group of 'girls' somewhere in the world that apparently desired his presence. I've spent the last 16 months hearing about those fun girls, or that ex-girlfriend, or this beautiful friend of his...and sometimes I do feel jealousy, or am hurt, or have some other undesirably emotion about it. But not usually. It wears thin on my psyche sometimes though. Because it seems like he hides that I exist from anyone else in his life, he certainly does not refer to me as his girlfriend, and he's only ever told me that my glasses are cute. And normally I just brush it off, sometimes it takes a self-reminder that I'm the one he sleeps next to, but especially these last 3 weeks I have just felt so empty that I just didn't want to hear that first thing when I woke up...But that is neither here nor there at the moment...::

At 3:45, I text him to say that I'd fallen back asleep. Did it warrant a response? No. Normally would he have said something anyway? Yes. I got nothing back. At 5, I asked him what he was doing. Still nothing. At 7:30 I asked him if he was coming to the memorial. At 9pm he finally responded with "Just left Joshes. No." I waited for awhile, my brain was swimming in nothing, sometimes I felt like I was going to cry, sometimes I wanted to tell him it was fine but please come see me at night or Sunday, a couple of times I was angry...I was hoping that he would give me some explanation, or call me when he got home like he had been doing...Finally at 11:30 I just said "Okay :/" and never heard anything after that. And here I am at 5:06 still pouring over it.

I want him there. And I think that, because I want him there, he should be there...I give him a lot of leeway in the selfish department, and I guess I feel like this is one time when he needs to not be selfish and he needs to be there for me if I want him to be. To say I need him there isn't completely truthful, I will get through it without him, and I will have a lot of people there that care about me a great deal and will be supportive of myself and my family. But he is supposed to be someone who cares about me a great deal, and he and I are supposed to...be something?...whatever that may be. Emotionally, for me, him not being there will devastate me, already is devastating me, and I don't want to tell him that because it will make him feel guilty, and if I make him feel guilty he will be mad at me for making him feel like that...but I want him there. :/

Things lately have just been breaking my brain. I keep trying so hard to be logical, and think things through, and just go one thought at a time. But I find myself just wanting to sleep, not wanting to see so much as a full window of sunshine much less a person. One day this week I slept literally all day, only getting out of my bed 3 times to get food, get water, and go to the bathroom...I just can't make myself do anything else. I think it's probably depression of some kind, but it's not, like, suicidal-depression. I'm not asking myself "what do I have to live for" or anything...I ask myself, "what do I have to do today?" and the answer is "nothing." Who do I want to see? Nobody. You would think that, given the untimely death of my Dad, I wouldn't keep brushing people off with the thought of "I'll see them the next time around" but it's more like...the effort of making myself presentable? I don't have a job, so I don't have money. I can't currently pay my bills or eat, much less go hang out with people doing something. And sometimes I'm just...sad. Not really self-pitying? Self-loathing would be more accurate, though still not completely correct.

I'm trying not to feel anything. Because I know how I do feel, right now, all the time, where my brain and all the trying-not-to in the world can't touch it. It's just emptiness. Maybe that's why my brain can't logic it away, because there's nothing to logic. I feel empty, and isolated in this endless room of people and things, yet desolate, helpless, and confused, overwhelmed. Sometimes when I feel something, I don't even try to process the feeling because I know that in just a few minutes I won't feel that thing anymore. And I don't. But just because I stop feeling it doesn't mean that I've forgotten what it felt like, so it still plays a role in what I do and say later on..

I hate myself for it because I feel like I have had, and continue to have, so many opportunities to get closer to where I want to be. And I have so many people that want to help me get there, and I just keep holding myself back so far that other people can't get in. And sometimes I'll resent them for not trying harder, but why would they? They offer to help, and I don't say yes. Or maybe I do say yes, and then I never bring it up again. What are they supposed to do, come drag me out of my bed and dial the number for me? I've made this life that I have for myself, and it's here, and it's only going to improve for me if I make it that way...and sometimes I am ready to do that. I can't even say that something happens to hinder me. I just...don't do anything. Maybe I go to bed feeling ready to make tomorrow the day but when I wake up, it's not anymore? On the way home from Mackinac I was so ready to chip away at my to-do list the minute I got home. By the time I got there, I couldn't even see what day in the next week I would want to do some of those things. But even while I had been ready to go I thought, "I feel like this now, but I wouldn't be surprised if my mood had changed before I am out of this car" and sure enough...and I don't know if those thoughts are what are doing it, like they're self-defeating? I know that some people would say so. But those are my thoughts! I can't NOT think them! When I think them, do I let myself believe them, and that's where the problem lies?

And I don't know how I'm supposed to feel right now? The morning Dad died, Aunt Nicki said that I just have to let myself feel whatever it is that I'm feeling...but what happens when I don't feel anything? Or feel everything? Or can't identify what it is that I feel? I still can't most of the time. Regarding his death anyway. Just last night/this morning, I had the first dream with him in it since he died.. the dream was about being at my Mom's house, and it was supposed to be after he died because people were coming and going, a bunch of us were hanging out there, it was like a holiday or something. And in the dream, I looked over into the living room and he was sitting in a chair watching the TV just like he would, and Turtle's netbook was sitting beside him on the table, and I was confused in the dream because I knew that it was Dad's netbook, but I also knew that it reminded me of someone else's, and it wasn't until several minutes after I woke up that I realized how it sorted out. I've thought for over a year that Turtle reminds me a lot of Dad...

Let's see how today pans out...

Mackinac 2009 "iTurtle" Soundtrack...

In no particular order...

Rage Against the Machine - Killing In the Name Of

Train - If It's Love

Semisonic - Secret Smile

The Mountain Goats - No Children

Starting Line - Stay Where I Can See You

Alice In Chains - No Excuses

Say Anything - Alive With the Glory Of Love

Ronnie Day - Falling For You

Aslyn - That's When

Dave Matthews Band - Seek Up (acoustic)

John Mayer - Love Soon

Aqualung - Strange & Beautiful

JoJo - Baby It's You

Jamiroquai - Virtual Insanity

Bloc Party - This Modern Love

Owl City - Vanilla Twilight

Keaton Simons - Misfits

James Morrison - You Make It Real

Oasis - Wonderwall

Train - Hey, Soul Sister

Alice In Chains - Don't Follow

Kings Of Leon - Use Somebody

Pink - Glitter In the Air

Blues Traveler - Hook

311 - All Mixed Up

Van Morrison - Moondance

James Morrison - You Make It Real

Alanis Morissette - Head Over Feet

Dave Matthews Band - #41

Lit - Miserable

a quick muse...

I just have not been doing very well tonight! First I wasn't tired physically but my brain was asleep; now my body is out for the night but my brain is on fire!

Why hasn't he communicated in any way since 11pm Saturday?

Why didn't he text me back earlier when I finally broke down and sent him one because I miss him so much?

Why has he been answering me less and not coming to see me all week?

How much more stress over this can my soul take?!

I love him. I miss him. I wish he could sleep next to me every night. And I wish he would tell me that he felt the same - or even show me.

*sigh*

The February 2009 Life Soundtrack...

I know that everyone has been waiting for this since April 2008 - Another segment of Alesheia's Life set to Music. I've italicised the lyrics which solidified a songs' placement on the Soundtrack, and some songs have an explanation of their inclusion. Enjoy!

Metal Now :: Say Anything
I wanna rob
you of your game face
so I can cower beneath your words
'cuz I'm a freak from the same place
let suicide make a meal for birds
into your heart
I've got the dagger
the metaphor will suffice for now
get in my bed
I wanna kill you
show you mine if you show me how

I get angry
when you're around
when you're around
I get nasty
when you're around
when you're around

so here I am
will you deny me
metal now
but I've always been

lets make a toast
lets do the oil spill
let the seagulls pick out the sins

I want it now
I want the danger
give me strength and I'll give you wings

I get angry
when you're around
when you're around
I get nasty
when you're around
when you're around

LOW
I get angry
when you're around
when you're around
I get nasty
when you're around
when you're around

I get angry
when you're around
when you're around
I get nasty
when you're around
when you're around

:: Originally I loved this song because it made me think of myself and Adam Rader, but it also seemed to fit me in general. I get angry, I get nasty, when you're around.. why not? It's a good opening song for the Soundtrack, because it's a little raw, a little bitter, and a damn good time. ::

Glycerine :: Bush
Must be your skin that I'm sinkin' in
Must be for real, 'cause now I can feel
and I didn't mind
it's not my kind
it's not my time to wonder why
everything's gone white
and everything's grey
now you're here now you're away
I don't want this
remember that
I'll never forget where you're at
don't let the days go by
glycerine
glycerine

I'm never alone
I'm alone all the time
are you at one
or do you lie?
we live in a wheel
where everyone steals
but when we rise, it's like strawberry fields

If I treated you bad
you bruise my face
couldn't love you more
you've got a beautiful taste
don't let the days go by
could have been easier on you
I couldn't change though I wanted to
could have been easier by three
our old friend fear and you and me
glycerine
glycerine
don't let the days go by
glycerine
don't let the days go by
glycerine
glycerine

Bad moon white again
Bad moon white again
As she falls around me...

I needed you more
when we wanted us less
I could not kiss just regress
it might just be
clear simple and plain
that's just fine
that's just one of my names
don't let the days go by
could've been easier on you
glycerine

:: I've liked this song since...the dawn of time, it seems. "I'm never alone/I'm alone all the time" is probably my favorite line... To me, it's kind of a melancholy song. Like there's this love that he can kind of feel, but doesn't really know if it's reciprocated, he thinks it is, but knows that nothing will ever come of it. And he's used to always being by himself, but he doesn't really like that about himself.. ::

Closer :: Kings of Leon
Stranded in this spooky town
Stoplights are swaying and the phone lines are down
This floor is crackling cold
She took my heart, I think she took my soul
With the moon I run
Far from the carnage of the fiery sun

Driven by the strangled vein
Showing no mercy I do it again
Open up your eye
You keep on crying, baby
I’ll bleed you dry
The skies are blinking at me
I see a storm bubbling up from the sea

And it's coming closer
And it's coming closer

You, shimmy shook my bone
Leaving me stranded all in love on my own
What do you think of me
Where am I now? Baby where do I sleep
Feel so good but I'm old,
2000 years of chasing taking its toll

And it’s coming closer

:: "You keep on crying, baby/I'll bleed you dry" is like taking someone when they're at their weakest and digging right into the core.. I feel like I do that to people.. Rarely is it my intention. I really do like most people better than I show. But this caustic side of me has hindered many relationships with all kinds of people in my life, because it's how I get around letting anyone in, I think.. ::

Grey Street :: Dave Matthews Band
Oh look at how she listens
She says nothing of what she thinks
She just goes stumbling through her memories
Staring out on to Grey Street

She thinks, Hey,
How did I come to this?
I dream myself a thousand times around the world,
But I can't get out of this place

There's an emptiness inside her
And she'd do anything to fill it in
But all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart

How she wishes it was different
She prays to God most every night
And though she swears it doesn't listen
There's still a hope in her it might

She says, I pray
Oh, But they fall on deaf ears,
Am I supposed to take it on myself?
To get out of this place?

Oh, There's loneliness inside her
And she'd do anything to fill it in
And though it's red blood bleeding from her now
It feels like cold blue ice in her heart
When all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart

There's a stranger speaks outside her door
Says take what you can from your dreams
Make them as real as anything
It'd take the work out of the courage

But she says, Please
There's a crazy man that's creeping outside my door,
I live on the corner of Grey Street and the end of the world

There's an emptiness inside her
And she'd do anything to fill it in
And though it's red blood bleeding from her now
It's more like cold blue ice in her heart
She feels like kicking out all the windows
And setting fire to this life
She could change everything about her using colors bold and bright
But all the colors mix together - to grey
And it breaks her heart
Oh, It breaks her heart
To grey

:: The whole freaking song... It's mine ::

Fallin' Apart (demo) :: The All-American Rejects
Can somebody save me?
Cuz I’m thinking maybe
That you can take me piece by piece, yeah
Now you got your reasons
But I didn’t need 'em
And either way I’m on my knees yeah

I never want to ruin you
I only wanna get it across
That I can only go so far
Wherever you are

Wherever you go I’m callin'
Even when you’re breaking my heart
Wherever you go I’m crawlin'
Even when we’re falling,
Even when we’re falling apart

You say that you’re leaving
Say that you don’t need him
And all I do is give and you just take
I guess that I knew it
I can’t make it through it
But I’m gonna try this anyway

I never want to ruin you
I only wanna get it across
That I can only go so far
Wherever you are

Wherever you go I’m calling
Even when you’re breaking my heart
Wherever you go I’m crawling
Even when we’re falling
Even when we’re falling apart
Yeah I guess we're falling apart

In your garden, where the roses sleep
I can make you anything you wanna be
When that body's close to me
I can give you everything you’d ever need

When I fall to the floor
Cuz I can’t feel anymore
You can have my heart girl
You don’t have to steal anymore
And when I look to the stars
Wherever you are

Wherever you go I’m calling
Even when you’re breaking my heart
Wherever you go I'm crawling
Even when we’re falling
Even when we’re falling apart

Wherever you go I’m calling
Even when you're breaking my heart
Wherever you go I’m crawling
Even when we're falling
Even when we're falling apart
Mmm, I guess we're falling apart
Ooh, I guess we're falling apart
Ooh, I guess we're falling apart

:: It's the story of my life! "Wherever you g,o I'm calling/Even when you're breaking my heart/Wherever you go, I'm crawling/Even when we're falling apart" As selfish as I am, I do find myself going 100% of the way in some of my relationships, and this song is, like, the realization of that. The album version has slightly different lyrics that are almost stalkeresque, so I chose this version because it seemed to be more sad/accepting, rather than angry ::

Hotel Song :: Regina Spektor
Come in, come in
Come into my world, I've got to show
Show, show you...
Come into my bed
I've got to know
Know, know you

I have dreams of orca whales and owls
But I wake up in fear
You will never be my
You will never be my fool
Will never be my fool

Floaters in my eyes
Wake up in the hotel room
Cigarettes and lies
I am a child, it's too soon

I have dreams of orca whales and owls
But I wake up in fear
You will never be my
You will never be my fool
Will never be my fool

A little bag of cocaine
A little bag of cocaine
So who's the girl wearing my dress?
I figured out her number
Inside a paper napkin
But I don't know her address
I wade downstairs

The porter smiles to me a smile
I've bought
With a couple of gold coins
A sign that I've been caught

I have dreams of orca whales and owls
But I wake up in fear
You will never be my
You will never be my dear
Will never be my dear, dear friend
Dear dear friend, dear dear friend...

A little bag of cocaine
A little bag of cocaine
So who's the girl wearing my dress?
I figured out her number
Inside a paper napkin
But I don't know her address

Come into my world, I've got to show
Show, show you
Come into my bed
I've got to know
Know, know you

I have dreams of orca whales and owls
But I wake up in fear
You will never be my
You will never be my dear
Will never be my dear, dear friend
Dear, dear friend, dear, dear friend...

Someday :: Pat Monahan
I am barely stable.
I am afraid to be alone.
I am sorry that I always enable,
And every day I try to find another way to you.

I can admit to my addictions,
And wish I could be a better friend.
I am three kinds of crazy,
And every day I try to find another way to you

Someday, we'll be together
One day, you'll be back in my arms again
Someday, I will be where I belong
I've waited so long,
For someday.

I know who's to blame and that's a shame,
'Cause I know in the end, it doesn't mean a thing.
I am convinced that I'll be back again,
And when I do I swear to find another way to you.

Someday, we'll be together
One day, I'll be back in your arms again
Someday, I will be where I belong
I've waited so long...

Life is to borrow.
You were just a dream along the way
Life is sweet sorrow,
There's always tomorrow,
There's always someday.

Someday, we'll be together
One day, You'll be back in my arms again
Someday, I will be where I belong
I've waited so long...

Someday, we'll be together
One day, I'll be back in your arms again
Someday, I will be where I belong
I've waited so long...
For someday.

:: This is off of Pat Monahan's debut solo release. He is better known as the lead singer of Train. ::

Letters :: Stroke 9
You're leaving me here, dear
Alone with all your letters
You're letting it go, no
Like innocence and feathers
You're putting it down
Sounds slipping into songs
You're leaving me here, dear
Alone with all my wrongs
You're pulling away
Pray you're making the right choice
You're pulling away
Stay and listen to my voice
To my voice

Sooner or later you will long
When you wake you will see
Sooner or later all the songs
That make you shake will be by me
Sooner or later all the throngs of feelings
We used to appreciate will come rushing back

You're thinking about
How you thought you knew me better
You're looking around town
And wondering how I met her
You're pulling away
Pray you're making the right choice
You're pulling away
Stay and listen to my voice
To my voice

Sooner or later all the throngs of feelings
We used to appreciate will come rushing back
When you wake you will see

Don't wake me as you leave
Don't make me believe I have a chance in hell
Don't tell me what I know too well
Don't wake me

As you're leaving me here dear
Alone with all your letters
Don't let go of your innocence and feathers
Now I find that every sound reminds me of our song
Since you left me here dear
Alone with all my wrongs
Well since you left me here, dear
Alone with all my wrongs
With my wrongs

Sooner or later I'll be gone
When you wake you will see
Sooner or later all the songs
That make you shake will be by me
Sooner or later all the throngs of feelings
We used to appreciate will come rushing back

When you wake up you will see
Sooner or later all the throngs of feelings
We used to appreciate
Will come rushing back
When you wake you will see
Don't wake me if you leave
You'll come rushin' back to me..

:: It's almost like a revenge song, minus any threats. Like, "fuck you for hurting me...you're going to regret it, all because of your own feelings." I particularly like, "You're pulling away, pray you're making the right choice," because I do that on a daily basis. Letting people in...*shudder*... ::

Hot & Cold :: Katy Perry
You change your mind
Like a girl changes clothes
Yeah, you PMS like a bitch
I would know

And you over-think
Always speak cryptically
I should know
That you're no good for me

'Cause you're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in then you're out
You're up then you're down
You're wrong when it's right
It's black and it's white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up

You, you don't really wanna stay, no
You, but you don't really wanna go, oh

'Cause you're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in then you're out
You're up then you're down

We used to be just like twins, so in sync
The same energy now's a dead battery
Used to laugh 'bout nothing
Now you're plain boring
I should know
That you're not gonna change

'Cause you're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in then you're out
You're up then you're down
You're wrong when it's right
It's black and it's white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up

You, you don't really wanna stay, no
You, but you don't really wanna go, oh

You're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in then you're out
You're up then you're down

Someone call the doctor
Got a case of a love bipolar
Stuck on a rollercoaster
Can't get off this ride

You change your mind
Like a girl changes clothes

'Cause you're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in then you're out
You're up then you're down
You're wrong when it's right
It's black and it's white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up

'Cause you're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in then you're out
You're up then you're down
You're wrong when it's right
It's black and it's white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up

You, you don't really wanna stay, no
You, but you don't really wanna go, oh

You're hot then you're cold
You're yes then you're no
You're in then you're out
You're up then you're down, down, down, down...

:: My Adam Rader song! It's terrible, but it's catchy as hell! I've gotten this gem stuck in many brains, and the video is most excellent! ::

Your Love :: The Outfield
Josie's on a vacation far away
Come around and talk it over
So many things that I wanna say
You know I like my girls a little bit older

I just wanna use your love tonight
I don't wanna lose your love tonight

I ain't got many friends left to talk to
No one's around when I'm in trouble
You know I'd do anything for you
Stay the night, but keep it under cover

I just wanna use your love tonight, oh
I don't wanna lose your love tonight

Try to stop my hands from shaking
Something in my mind's not making sense
It's been awhile since we've been all alone
I can't hide the way I'm feeling

As you leave me, please, would you close the door
And don't forget what I told you
Just cause you're right, that don't mean I'm wrong
Another shoulder to cry upon

I just wanna use your love tonight, yeah
I don't wanna lose your love tonight
Yeah, I just wanna use your love tonight
I don't wanna lose your love tonight
I just wanna use your love tonight
I don't wanna lose your love tonight

(Use your love, lose your love) Your love
(Use your love) Well I don’t wanna lose
(Lose your tonight) I don’t wanna, I don’t wanna
I don’t wanna lose (Use your tonight) Your love
(Lose your tonight) Your love, your love
(Use your tonight) Your love
(I don’t lose your love tonight) Aaaahh
(Use your tonight) Your love

:: One of the greatest songs ever written. If you disagree, I will fight you. And if you ever hear it in a bar, know that it's because I played it. ::

Medicine :: Guster
Into the maze
Enter the medicine handed down
Within these veins
Bleeding with apathy till it drowns

Am I your charity?
For you to look so kind?
But your aim is not quite clear
It’s better if you leave in quiet
Is this mood frightening?
And who are you sometimes?
Don’t try and rescue me
Go save someone else
I’m far too gone

Into the maze
Enter the medicine handed down
Within these veins
Bleeding with apathy till it drowns
No more to gain
Needin' the ugliness that surrounds
Return again
Caught in the medicine handed down

Gasping, calling
I saw I’m all alone
Grasping, crawling
Is this not what you had planned?
Oh, I’m all alone
Go on hero
You’re faking no one, not today

Stop this you’re scaring me
Don’t even know you now
Trying to rescue me
Go save someone else
I’m way past gone
Into the maze
Enter the medicine handed down
Within these veins
Bleedin' with apathy 'til it drowns
No more to gain
Meetin' the ugliness that surrounds
Return again
Caught in the medicine handed down

Into the maze
Enter the medicine handed down
Within these veins
Bleedin' with apathy 'til it drowns
Oooh, I'm all alone
Go on hero,
You think you're no one
Not today...

Shattered (Turn the Car Around) :: O.A.R.
In a way, I need a change
From this burnt out scene
Another time, another town
Another everything
But it's always back to you

Stumble out, in the night
From the pouring rain
Made the block, sat and thought
There's more I need
It's always back to you

But I'm good without you
Yeah, I'm good without you
Yeah, yeah, yeah

How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line, can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
Give me a break, let me make my own pattern
All that it takes is some time but I'm shattered
I always turn the car around

I had no idea that the night
Would take so damn long
Took it out, on the street
While the rain still falls
Push me back to you

But I'm good without ya
Yeah, I'm good without you
Yeah, yeah, yeah

How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line, can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
Give me a break let me make my own pattern
All that it takes is some time but I'm shattered
I always turn the car around

Give it up, give it up, baby
Give it up, give it up, now
Now

How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around
All that I feel is the realness I'm faking
Taking my time, but it's time that I'm wasting
Always turn the car around

How many times can I break till I shatter?
Over the line can't define what I'm after
I always turn the car around

Don't wanna turn that car around
I gotta turn this thing around...

:: The chorus is 1. Straight out of my head, 2. An accurate and precise description of the last 5 years of my life, 3. The voicing of my current state. ::

Sober :: Pink
I don't wanna be the girl who laughs the loudest
Or the girl who never wants to be alone
I don't wanna be that call at four o'clock in the morning
'Cause I'm the only one you know in the world that won't be home

Aahh, the sun is blinding
I stayed up again
Oohh, I am finding
That's not the way I want my story to end

I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're my protection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I don't wanna be the girl that has to fill the silence...
The quiet scares me 'cause it screams the truth
Please don't tell me that we had that conversation
'Cause I won't remember, save your breath, 'cause what's the use?

Aahh, the night is calling
And it whispers to me softly, "come and play"
Aahh, I am falling
And if I let myself go, I'm the only one to blame

I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I'm comin' down
Comin' down
Comin' down
Spinnin' round
Spinnin' round
Spinnin' round
Looking for myself.. Sober

Comin' down
Comin' down
Comin' down
Spinnin' round
Spinnin' round
Spinnin' round
Looking for myself.. Sober

When it's good, then it's good, it's so good, 'till it goes bad
Till you're trying to find the you that you once had
I have heard myself cry
Never again
Broken down in agony
And just trying to find a friend

I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

I'm safe
Up high
Nothing can touch me
But why do I feel this party's over?
No pain
Inside
You're like perfection
But how do I feel this good sober?

How do I feel this good sober?

Kids :: MGMT
You were a child
Crawling on your knees toward it
Making momma so proud,
But your voice is too loud

We like to watch you laughing,
You pick the insects off plants
No time to think of consequences

Control yourself
Take only what you need from it
A family of trees wanted
To be haunted
Control yourself
Take only what you need from it
A family of trees wanted
To be haunted

The water is warm
But it’s sending me shivers
A baby is born
Crying out for attention

The memories fade
Like looking through a fogged mirror
Decision to decisions are made
And not bought,
But I thought this wouldn’t hurt a lot.
I guess not...

Control yourself
Take only what you need from it
A family of trees wanted
To be haunted
Control yourself
Take only what you need from it
A family of trees wanted
To be haunted

:: I should heed this more - don't overreact, don't freak out, don't discount things so quickly either... control yourself, your emotions, your reactions... gather the information that you need from all of your experiences, and take that information into everything in your life after that ::

The Futile :: Say Anything
Shit!
Nothing makes sense, so I won't think about it. I'll go with the ignorance.
Eat, sleep, fuck and flee; in four words, that's me.
I am full of indifference.

What do the old people teach us but how to die (die) die (die)
and what do those hissy fits teach you except how to cry, pussy, cry?
Yea the futile, the futile, it outweighs the beautiful.
Futile, the futile, it outweighs the beautiful.
Futile, the futile, the futile so (the futile, the futile)

Taste. I have no taste. I don't like these tiny portions
or your artful abortions of sound,
sealed with a kiss, slathered in the sauce sarcastic.
So go choke on your irony.

What do the old people teach us but how to die (die) die (die) and what do your hissy fits teach you except how to cry, pussy, cry?
Yea the futile, the futile, it outweighs the beautiful.
Futile, the futile, it outweighs the beautiful.
Futile, the futile, the futile so

I'm eating rat poison for dinner. Pull the cord from the phone. I am dining alone, Tonight, rat poison for dinner.pull the cord from the phone. I am dining alone. So goodnight.
Love! I shall not love, yet I'll still sing about it. I hope it covers the ocean in slime, the drama and drool. I'm leaking the blood of a fool. (I'm full of it, I'm full of it, I'm full.)
Rat poison for dinner, pull the cord from the phone. I am dining alone.
Tonight. Rat poison for dinner, pull the cord from the phone. I am dining alone. Tonight.
Oh I am dining alone. Tonight. Tonight. Tonight.

:: At the time of this Soudtrack being finalized (2 months before I wrote these blurbs) I was going through an incident where my age was an issue (again), so even though I was going to put this song on here for the line, "The futile outweights the beautiful," I definitely was rocking the "What do the old people teach us, but how to die" lines in my soul ::

Mercury :: Bloc Party
Mercury's in retrograde

This is not the time, the time to start a new love
This is not the time, the time to sign a lease
Trying not to worry about what's forgotten
Trying not to worry about what's being missed

Scars on my shins and scars on my knuckles
Today I woke up in the basketball court
John Joe's in Sydney and he ain't returning
I'm sitting in Soho trying to stay drunk

In any part of the world
From Silver Lake to Williamsburg
You can pick another stranger
And fall in love

Mercury's in retrograde

This is not the time, the time to start a new love
This is not the time, the time to sign a lease
Trying not to worry about what's forgotten
Trying not to worry about what's being missed

Bleeding gums and veins protruding
You're starting to hate all of your clothes
Waiting in LA and she ain't returning
I'm sleeping with people I don't even like

In any part of the world
From Silver Lake to Williamsburg
You can pick another stranger
And fall in love

Mercury's in retrograde

When I saw you last night, I wanted to say:
"Run away with me, away from these cynics"
That this could be the start of something truly real
But all that I could say was "hey"
Was "hey", was "hey", was "hey"

Mercury's in retrograde

Use Somebody :: Kings of Leon
I've been roaming around
always looking down at all I see
painted faces fill the places I can't reach

you know that I could use somebody
you know that I could use somebody
someone like you

and all you know
and how you speak
countless lovers undercover of the street

you know that I could use somebody
you know that I could use somebody
someone like you

off in the night,
while you live it up, I'm off to sleep
waging war to shake the poet and the beat

I hope it's gonna make you notice
I hope it's gonna make you notice
someone like me
someone like me
someone like me

go and let it out
someone like you
somebody
someone like you
somebody
someone like you
somebody

I've been roaming around
always looking down at all i see

:: That last line especially... "I've been roaming around/ always looking down at all I see"... totally me. Though this whole song is very Me, in a couple of ways. One, I collect people. So I can always use everyone.. But also, I'm constantly on a personal inner-quest to find people that make me better person, give me a different/improved viewpoint of the world, etc. "Someone like you, and all you know, and how you see..." ::

Breakin' :: The All-American Rejects
Hold on tight
Wrap your arms around me till your knuckles are burning white
All your tears
Couldn't match the bitter taste of all these wasted years

You take take
Everything that wasn't even yours
Wait wait
You don't got a hold of me anymore

In a clear view there's a silhouette
And I watch you and I can't forget
Knew we were done when you locked that door
Yeah I figured it out now
Breaking's what the heart is for

When I see you in a silhouette
And you hold close
Do you feel regret
Keeping me down when I hit that floor
Yeah I figured it out girl
Breakings what your heart is for

For so long
I've had to bite my tongue but what's the point if the feelings gone
I turn my head
Learned I only see some memory but all I see is red

Don't don't
Say it didn't happen that way
I won't won't
Believe another word that you say

In a clear view there's a silhouette
And I watch you and I can't forget
Knew we were done when you locked that door
Yeah I figured it out now
Breaking's what the heart is for

When I see you in a silhouette
And you hold close
Do you feel regret
Keeping me down when I hit that floor
And I figured it out girl
Breakings what your heart is for

Yeah breaking's what your heart is for
Yeah breaking's what your heart is for

And not a soul sleeps
Another heart skips a beat
It's every note that you wrote and I hope that you choke on the lines
You're wasting my time, another heart beats tonight

In a clear view there's a silhouette
And I watch you, no I'll never forget
Knew we were done when you locked that door
Yeah I figured it out now
Breaking's what the heart is for

When I see you in a silhouette
And you hold close
Do you feel regret
Keeping me down when I hit that floor
And I figured it out girl
Breakings what your heart is for

Yeah breaking's what your heart is for..

:: It took me a long time to get to the point where I totally agreed with this song, but here I sit... ::

It's Beginning to Get to Me :: Snow Patrol
I want something
That's purer than the water
Like we were

It's not there now
Ineloquence and anger
Are all we have

Like Saturn's rings
An icy loop around me
Too hard to hold

Lash out first
At all the things we don't like
Or understand

And it's beginning to get to me
That I know more of the stars and sea
Than I do of what's in your head
Barely touching in our cold bed

Are you beginning to get get my point
That all this fighting with aching joints
It's doing nothing but tire us out
No one knows what this fight's about

The answer phone
The lonely sound of your voice
Frozen in time

I only need
The compass that you gave me
To guide me on

And it's beginning to get to me
That I know more of the stars and sea
Than I do of what's in your head
Barely touching in our cold bed

Are you beginning to get get my point
That all this fighting with aching joints
It's doing nothing but tire us out
No one knows what this fight's about

It's so thrilling but also wrong
Don't have to prove that you are so strong
'Cause I can carry you on my back
After our enemies attack

I tried to tell you before I left
But I was screaming under my breath
You are the only thing that makes sense
Just ignore all this present tense

We need to feel breathless with love
And not collapsed under its weight
I'm gasping for the air to fill
My lungs with everything I've lost

We need to feel breathless with love
And not collapsed under its weight
I'm gasping for the air to fill
My lungs with everything I've lost

A Comet Appears :: The Shins
One hand on this wily comet,
Take a drink just to give me some weight,
Some uber-man I'd make,
I'm barely a vapor

They shone a chlorine light on,
A host of individual sins,
Let's carve my aging face off,
Fetch us a knife,
Start with my eyes,
Down so the lines,
Form a grimacing smile,

Close your eyes to corral a virtue,
Is this fooling anyone else?
Never worked so long and hard,
To cement a failure,

We can blow on our thumbs and posture,
But the lonely are such delicate things,
The wind from a wasp could blow them,
Into the sea,
With stones on their feet,
Lost to the light and the loving we need,

Still to come,
The worst part and you know it,
There is a numbness,
In your heart and it's growing,

With burnt sage and a forest of bygones,
I click my heels,
Get the devils in line,
A list of things I could lay the blame on,
Might give me a way out,

But with each turn,
It's this front and center,
Like a dart stuck square in your eye,
Every post you can hitch your faith on,
Is a pie in the sky,
Chock full of lies,
A tool we devise,
To make sinking stones fly,

And still to come,
The worst part and you know it,
There is a numbness,
In your heart and it's growing.

The Saga of the Serbs...

This story is just too funny to not blog about...some names have been changed to protect the innocent, certain ethnic groups, and those who don't have a proper sense of humor.

It truly starts in April of 2004 when I met my roommate Andrea, for that is when the snark-fest began. What can we say? We're acerbically witty. Rather clever. Ridiculously intelligent. Our greatness is our cross to bear. :-) Shortly after I met her, she started the political science program at Aquinas College. She just completed her last year there, and will be attending law school in the fall, but that is neither here nor there; our tale is told over the last 7 months...

October 2007 :: So one night at the bar where my friends & I are regulars, we are introduced to another regular, called Sad Steve. Sad Steve, we discover, is a professor of History at one of the local colleges, and has a particular interest in warfare. Sad Steve is working on getting his Ph.D, and is contracted through the end of this school year to teach at aforementioned college. He's a nice enough guy, and we all log in a lot of hours at our favorite little brew pub, so we keep him around..

November 2007 :: Andrea comes home in a state of panic one day because she has a research paper due by Thanksgiving & she's having trouble finding information for it. The topic? Serbian genocide in 1992.
Me: Hey, my friend Sad Steve might have some information. He's got a lot of books about war things. He's a history professor around here, and probably at least knows where you could find some stuff.
Andrea: Yeah, ask him for me. That would be sweet.
So I send him a text:
Hey, random question, but do you have any books about Serbian genocide in 1992?
No response for awhile. And then I get a text back:
That is a random question. No I don't.
Okay, well...that's taken care of. The Serbs never have gotten enough street cred', anyway..

Fast forward to that weekend, Andrea comes with me to this bar where so many of us regularly drink our lives away. She is rather inebriated when she arrives, so when I point out Sad Steve, she immediately goes over to him and says, "Hey, how 'bout those Serbs?" To which Sad Steve replies (as I had since explained to him), "Oh, you must be the roommate writing the paper. Yeah, sorry, I don't have any books or anything about that kind of thing.." Andrea & Sad Steve proceed to get into a spirited argument culminating in whether Saddam Hussein brought stability to Iraq (Andrea argued that he did, Sad Steve said not-so-much) in the same way Hitler brought stability to Germany (Sad Steve's counter-argument). Excellent Glad-I've-Met-You drunk conversation, buuuuut... Gotta go!

Three weeks later, Andrea comes to meet me yet again at my favorite watering hole. Again, she has been drinking elsewhere, and again Sad Steve is in attendance, minding his business, watching some sporting event & drinking his beer.
"How 'bout those Serbs?"
..Eye-roll from Sad Steve
Loud laughter from us.
The next day Andrea says to me, "Dude. I am not allowed to ever talk to Sad Steve again. I've been hammered-drunk every time I've met him, and I think he will kill me if I say anything else about the Serbs!"

With the bustle of the end of the semester, the Holiday season, etc., there were not a plethora of opportunities for Andrea to encounter Sad Steve for awhile. But as things go, we eventually found our drunk selves back at our bar, and as the blustery snows of late winter hit Grand Rapids, Sad Steve was once again bombarded by the Serbs. You can safely assume that, over the course of Andrea's last semester at Aquinas, the 4-5 times she found herself at this bar at the same time as Sad Steve, the same Serbs were always asked about, the same eyes were rolled, the same disgusted looks were given...and Andrea & I laughed the same raucous laughter. Every time.

May 2008 :: Andrea & I are dining out one Monday night when we begin discussing her last classes that she's taking over the Summer to finish her degree. We are talking about how much we hate not knowing anything about our professors before we start a class, and how much we love RateMyProfessors.com to kind of preview them...
Me: Would you look yourself up on that site if you were a professor?
Andrea: Oh, absolutely!
We eventually decided we would become obsessed with it, & HAVE to look it up.
But wait..
What's that? RateMyProfessors.com?
We know a professor!
We are brilliant!
Let's ask him. Text time:
Just out of curiosity, do you ever look yourself up on ratemyprofessor.com?
No response...
...Still no response..
.............
...But unfortunately for everyone involved, Andrea & I had both recently stumbled upon a plethora of free time. Of which our diabolical minds were using for nothing good. Throughout the day, we became obsessed with knowing if Sad Steve looked himself up! We would scowl at every text I received that was not a response from Sad Steve. Finally, after hours of sitting in our living room, talking to our cat Viviane, and discussing a host of random issues over & over again, we thought...
We should rate Sad Steve!
So we tried calling him. Nothin'. Well buddy, we tried to warn you. We text him again, something like:
Well if you don't, you should. We're going to rate you!
Still no response! Infuriating!
So Andrea rates him.
Easiness? 5 (You're a lush. Can't be hard to take home.)
Helpfulness? 3 (You didn't have those books! Literally, you have one job!)
Clarity? 4 (I'm drunk when I see you. How clear do I need you to be?)
Rater Interest? 1 (Get serious.)
She took HST 101, and gave him a 'Good Quality' smiley face. User comments:
His knowledge of the Serbs is extensive. Willing to debate and listen to other points of view--but does have a hard time admitting he's wrong. :)
((Oh, Saddam & Hitler. You boys just keep coming back to bite people in the ass, don't you?))...

So the next day, Sad Steve finally texts back in the late afternoon:
Sorry I missed your call. Yes I do check RateMyProf, and you guys are ridiculous.
Ah, but we are so much fun!...

That weekend, here we are again at the local brew house we all love so much. When Andrea approaches Sad Steve this time, her 'How 'bout those Serbs!?' is infinitely more entertaining for everyone. Well, for us. Sad Steve still looked disgruntled.
Sad Steve: You're ridiculous!
Andrea: It's wonderful!
Sad Steve: You didn't even give me a good rating! You've never even had me as a professor!
Oh, Sad Steve...
First, here is our single tear ---> *
Second, text a broad back next time!
Not that we considered this any kind of punishment; we would have rated him regardless. Again, our free time does bad things to the people around us.

Now would be a good time to remind everyone that Sad Steve was done teaching at this school as of the end of this semester. Which means he's looking for another contracted teaching job to keep working on his Ph.D. Which means he's been setting up phone interviews, talking to schools, putting his resume out there... you can imagine the drill.

Sunday. I haven't seen Andrea all day, but I am going home soon. She & I had discussed our re-rating of Sad Steve; we don't want to add to his sadness.
I text him:
What do you want Andrea & I to say when we re-rate you?
Oh, look! A prompt response!
You don't have to re-rate me. It's fine.
To which I feel compelled to inform him:
Well, I can't make any guarantees Andrea hasn't already. Our plan was to give you all 5's, and just comment, "Is that better?" Though that would be infinitely hilarious, I will try to catch her before it's posted.
Sad Steve's rebuttal:
That would not be funny. It would actually be bad.
I'm at my brothers when this texting is happening, and he's been informed of all things that have happened thus far pertaining to the Serbs and Sad Steve. Ben points out, "You know, he's looking for another job right now, and places hire people now to look up job applicants on facebook & myspace and such. That's probably what he's worried about." Yup, sure was.
Me: Hey, let's not post Sad Steve's re-rating. He doesn't want us to.
Andrea: Uh oh.
Me: Uh oh, indeed.
After a brief telephone conversation, we decided we would simply flag the post, and get it removed. Done and done. "But honestly," points out Andrea.. "What college is going to look at Rate-My-Freaking-Professor-dot-com to hire somebody to teach there?"

The next week, I am nearly blackout drunk, out with a huge group of people, celebrating my birthiversary. Of course, we are at my favorite bar! I'm nowhere near Andrea for most of the night, and at the end of the night had no idea what planet I was on.
Sad Steve: Hey, Andrea, so about RateMyProfessor..
Andrea: Dude, I get it. I don't want to talk about it.
Sad Steve: No, just listen to me for a second..
Andrea: No! I've heard all about it. We flagged it. Done.
Sad Steve: I'm trying to tell you something!
Andrea: What do you want me to say about it?
Sad Steve: No, listen!...I had a phone interview this week, and one of the schools wants me to put together a presentation for part of the interview process. They want me to do the presentation on something non-Western. They looked me up on RateMyProfessor.com, and saw that I have an extensive knowledge of the Serbs! He suggested that they might be a good topic for the presentation..!!
Cassidy: Well then, do it on the Serbs!
Sad Steve: I'm not going to do it on the freaking Serbs.
Andrea: Well, if you decide to, I've got a 30 page paper on the subject. You can borrow it. It's the least I can do!

Get serious. Freaking amazing.

Just one more affirmation that our sphere of influence only keeps growing. Thanks, Sad Steve.

April/May 2008 Life Soundtrack

Dirty Little Secret - The All-American Rejects :: This is mine & Kayleigh's jam, for sure. We keep meaning to karaoke it at Z's one night. I'll keep you my dirty little secret; don't tell anyone or you'll be just another regret.
Pieces of Me - Ashlee Simpson :: Lauren, Kayleigh, me... perfect. OOOOOOoooooooh, it seems like I can finally rest my head on something real, I like the way that feels...OOOoooooooh, it's as if you know me better than I ever knew myself, I love how you can tell all the pieces...pieces...pieces of me.
Foundations - Kate Nash :: I just like this song. I've been listening to it a lot. It's got a fun beat. Then I'll use that voice that you find annoying and say something like, "Yeah, intelligent input darling, why don't you just have another beer then?"...My fingertips are holding onto the cracks in our foundation, and I know that I should let go but I can't. And every time we fight, I know it's not right, and every time that you're upset & I smile, I know that I should forget but I can't. You said that I must eat so many lemons 'cause I am so bitter...
Same Old Drag - The Apples In Stereo :: It's the same old drag; oh you know you don't need none of that. Story of my life.
So Far We Are - The French Kicks :: I must thank Kyle XY for my introduction to the French Kicks. They're a good time. This song has been a part of my life for a few months now, and has been appropriate for different reasons throughout, but it definitely fits in this moment.
Moan - Cute Is What We Aim For :: There's this part about a minute in where he is singing, "You trained these lips when they were champs, & now they're itchin' for a comeback, so come back." He does this strange growl thing that is pretty hot. I have been listening to this song a lot. I like it.
Heels Over Head - Boys Like Girls :: Josh Bocks. He put this on a CD he sent me in February-ish. So it makes me think of him. It fits.
Shimmer - Fuel :: I have found, all that shimmers in this World is sure to fade away again...
This Modern Love - Bloc Party :: I think this song fits all my life in general. I'm flaky enough that it seems like it's always appropriate, whoever the flavor of the week happens to be. Sick, right?
Sucked Out - Superdrag :: Who sucked out the feeling? You helped. It's only fitting that you also introduced me to this song. (Thanks!)
Postcard Of A Painting - Maximo Park :: I just like it a lot. I'm not sure if it is really all that fitting...it might be...but it's most definitely catchy. Liv just introduced me to this jam last week!
I Suppose - The Connells :: Well, I suppose that I've gone beyond caring for those who think like you. Standard.
Maybe You Can Owe Me - Architecture In Helsinki :: Story of my life. Sick. Maybe I just don't give a F.
Downfall - Matt Costa :: It's all in the downfall of me.
Stop & Stare - OneRepublic :: The entire song. Just listen to it.
Starlight - Muse :: I've liked this song for awhile. Irish & I play it at Z's sometimes. Hold you in my arms, I just wanted to hold you here in my arms...far away, this ship is taking me far away, far away from the memories of the people who care if I live or die. I'll never let you go if you promise not to fade away, never fade away...
Even If I Kills Me - Motion City Soundtrack :: I've gotta a lotta things to do tonight, I'm so sick of making lists of things I'll never finish...But I'm too tired to go to sleep tonight, and I'm too weak to follow dreams tonight. For the first time in a long time I can say that I wanna try to get better and to overcome each moment in my own way.
Coffee Shop Soundtrack - All Time Low :: (It's the little things.) Should I write myself out of the history books?... I know you've got your life in place...will you be there to carry home the remains of my wasted youth?... This wasted time on you has left me shaking & waiting for something more... I can keep a secret if you can keep me guessing...
0% Interest - Jason Mraz :: I just love Mraz. So I can't speak to tell you of the months before I met you.
Nobody Knows - Keaton Simons :: Nobody knows you like I do. Isn't that how it is with everybody? I always feel that way, anyway. Maybe I'm just one of those people who digs deeper than most. I demand deeper, I guess. I don't necessarily feel that I know someone better than someone else, just differently than someone else.
Wonderful World - James Morrison :: It's a wonderful world, when you're with me.
Simple As It Should Be - Tristan Prettyman :: It's perfect. For right now. In the end I predict that you'll get the very best of me...I am almost 23, confused with all the lines in between...'cause time will go, and we may be far apart I know, but as far as I can see. This is so good, there's no need for change, it's all right with me, it's as simple as it should be. Simple as it should be.